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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 14, 1997's comic on:


Tags #asap, #a stupid acting person, #deadlines, #embarrasing

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The Boss says, "Alice, I need this ASAP." Alice asks, "ASAP? Does that stand for A Stupid-Acting Person, i.e., someone who ignores tasks until the deadline?" The Boss walks away thinking, "That was embarrassing. I hope the other things I say don't mean anything."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 19, 1997's comic on:


Tags #famous person, #sandra bullock, #kevin spacey, #eats bacon, #kevin who eats bacon, #one degree away, #close to fascinating

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Dilbert sits at his PC. Ratbert says, "Give me the name of any famous person." Dilbert says, "Sandra Bullock." Ratbert puts his hands to his temples, closes his eyes and thinks. He says, "Sandra Bullock was in a movie with Kevin Spacey... and Kevin Spacey eats bacon." Ratbert says, "See that? Everyone on Earth is only one degree from someone named Kevin who eats bacon!" Dilbert says, "That is SO close to being fascinating."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 20, 1998's comic on:


Tags #m, #new ceo, #ethical person, #sinking ship, #plunder treasure, #take challenge

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Dilbert and Wally standing outside a cubicle holding mugs. Dilbert says, "An executive search firm is trying to find a new C.E.O. for us." Wally says, "It'll be tough." Wally says, "No ethical person would board a sinking ship just to plunder its treasure." Ted and Dogbert sitting at table. Sheet of paper in front of Dogbert. Ted hands Dogbert a pen and says, "Are you ready to take the challenge?" Dogbert responds, "Oh, I'll take more than that!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 24, 1998's comic on:


Tags #meeting objectives, #accuracy of info, #facts, #guilty person

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Alice says, "Who said I wasn't meeting my objectives?" The Boss says, "I can't rememeber." Alice grimaces. The Boss says, "Therefore, I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of the information." Alice says, "Check the facts!" The Boss says, "That sounds like something a guilty person would say."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 09, 1995's comic on:


Tags #person, #project, #headcount, #contract employee, #buy a computer, #over budget, #renting expensive, #Wally, #16 hour days, #boss thinks genius, #project cancelled

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Dilbert approaches the Boss and says, "We desperately need another person on my project!" The Boss replies, "We're already over headcount. Get a contract employee." Dilbert says, "Okay, but they cost twice as much." Dilbert says, "Plus we need to buy a computer." The Boss says, "Rent one. We're over our capital budget." Dilbert replies, "Renting is expensive. We'll go over our expense budget." The Boss says, "I'll fire Wally. That will free up some cash." Dilbert throws his arms up in frustration and says, "Wally's on my project!" Dilbert shouts, "Forget it! I'll just work sixteen hours a day!!" The Boss thinks, "That worked out perfectly. I think I might be a genius or something." The Boss sits at his desk and thinks, "I wonder if I should have told him the project was cancelled last week."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 26, 1996's comic on:


Tags #business language, #competetive, #salary increase goodbye, #core business, #lost, #empowered, #unimportant deciosns, #reengineering, #essential, #people person, #canibal, #hire trained people, #market driven, #balme cutsomers, #value employee input, #hour, #important

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Dogbert sits at a desk. The panel is titled "Business Language Explained." Someone says, "We have to be more competitive." Dilbert and Wally wear barrels instead of clothing. Wally says, "Nice barrel." Dilbert replies, "This old thing?" The caption says, "Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases." Someone says, "We must focus on our core business." The Boss feels his head and says, "Hello." The caption says, "Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands." Someone says, "You are empowered." Alice sits at her desk wearing a crown and saying, "I proclaim this to be 'Green Ink Day.'" The caption says, "Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions." Someone says, "We're reengineering your function." A man and a horse are kicked out an office window. The caption says, "Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horse you rode in on." Someone says, "Training is essential." A man at a desk asks, "You were a cannibal?" A man wearing a grass skirt and a bone in his hair replies, "I'm a people person." The caption says, "Meaning: We're trying to hire some trained people." Someone says, "We're market driven." A woman doing research asks a man, "What's your favorite odor?" The caption says, "Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation." Someone says, "We value employee input." Dilbert tells the Boss, "Thanks for listening." The Boss laughs hysterically. The caption says, "Meaning: We think humor is important."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 02, 1996's comic on:


Tags #complaining, #document, #office supplies, #out of ink, #person who asked, #requirement, #supply cabinet

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Dilbert: Carolf, I need yo document your procedure for ordering office supplies. Its and ISO 9000 requirement. Carol: If someone asks for something, I check first the supply cabinet first. Then I say, "Theres one left You can't have it because then we'd be all out" Carol: Then I spend the rest of the day complaining about the person who asked. Dilbert: Uh - Oh....Im out of ink.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 03, 1999's comic on:


Tags #third person, #refer, #emphasize, #brand of greatness, #ruining, #good idea

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Dogbert dressed in a crown and sceptar says, to Bob, "Bob, from now on, I will refer to myself in the third person." Dogbert says, "Dogbert does this to emphasize his special brand of greatness." Bob says, "Bob thinks that is a good idea." Dogbert says, "Hey! You're ruining it!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 22, 2000's comic on:


Tags #huge liars, #management in person, #dogbert investments

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Dogbert investments: Dogbert and Alice are in a meeting. Dogbert says: "Before I invest in a stock, I talk to the management in person." Alice says: "What good is that? They're all huge liars." Dogbert says: "You believe I really talk to them, right?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 06, 2000's comic on:


Tags #learn new technology, #sales person, #everything he knows, #moist towelettes, #sponge bath

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Dilbert says to the Boss, "I need to take a class to learn the new technology." The Boss replies, "Our vendor's sales person will teach you everything he knows." The sales person begins explaining to Dilbert, who sits taking notes. "You only need 'three moist towelettes' to give yourself a sponge bath."