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41 Results for Include

View 21 - 30 results for include comic strips. Discover the best "Include" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 22, 2001's comic on:


Tags #elbonia, #business plan, #expanded offering, #pet grooming, #lingerie, #as agency, #bug in bikini

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Headline: In Elbonia. Two Elbonians point to a diagram. One says to Dilbert, "Our business plan was to sell mud to people who live in mud." The Elbonian continues, "Later we shrewdly expanded our offerings to include pet grooming and lingerie." The diagram is now a picture of lingerie. The Elbonian continues, "Frankly, I blame our ad agency for what happened next." He holds up a picture of a pig in lingerie.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 09, 2000's comic on:


Tags #added up columns, #grocery list, #marketing starategy, #pros and cons, #quantified, #unhealthy

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Ted, Dilbert, Alice and the boss are sitting in a meeting. Ted says: "I quantified our marketing strategy because you insisted." Ted holds up a sheet of paper with lists on it and says: "I listed the pros and cons on this sheet." Ted says to Dilbert: "Then I added up the columns." Ted puts the sheet of paper on the table and says: "The pros outnumber the cons, so we're going forward." Dilbert has the sheet of paper in his hands now and says to Ted: "Let's see. Your cons include...unhealthy and unprofitable. Dilbert keeps reading from the sheet of paper and says: "Your pros are...waffles, eggs, bananas and milk." Ted says to Dilbert: "Oops. That might be my grocery list." Ted gets angry and shakes his arm with the sheet of paper up and down and screams to Dilbert: "You fool! I told you quantification never works!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 13, 2000's comic on:


Tags #marketing to planning meeting, #sabotage implementation, #hose the plan, #implementation, #same reason for children

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Dilbert is at the Boss's desk. The Boss tells Dilbert: "Don't invite marketing to the planning meeting." Dilbert replies: "If I don't, they'll sabotage the implementation." The Boss says: "Yes, but if you DO include them in the planning..." Dilbert finishes the Boss's thought: "...they'll hose the plan?" The Boss confirms Dilbert's statement: "Exactly." The Boss continues: "And they'll still botch the implementation." Dilbert asks: "If we know it's doomed, why do we bother?" The Boss answers: "It's the same reason I had kids." Dilbert thinks to himself while walking away: "At least there is a reason."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 26, 2003's comic on:


Tags #subatomic particle, #statisfied cutomers, #arthur quark, #george meaon, #signed certificate

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Dogbert: "For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you." "Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark, and George Meson." "It comes with an unsigned certificate!" Dilbert: "I like 'em clean."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 19, 2004's comic on:


Tags #gerbil, #marketing team, #cables, #engineering support

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Ted: I moved the meeting to Tuesday. Dilbert: "I can't make it on Tuesday." " Ted: Somehow I think the marketing team can survive one meeting without engineering support." Marketing team: "We'll include a pet gerbil in every box. We'll just need to make sure it's in a sealed plastic bag so it won't chew on the cables."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 22, 2004's comic on:


Tags #defend against lawsuits, #records retention policy

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The Boss: "To defend lawsuits, our records retention policy has been updated to include this..." Bam! The Boss: "What was I talking about?" Wally: "The records retention policy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 30, 1999's comic on:


Tags #change contract, #signed months ago, #hurt to ask, #discount, #clueless, #primary vendors, #acts of god, #poltergeists, #steal best

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The boss hands Alice a piece of paper. The boss says, "Alice make a few changes to this contract." Alice says, "Changes? This contract was signed months ago." The boss says, "It doesn't hurt to ask." Alice says, "You want me to ask for a sixty percent discount?" The boss says, "No one said it would be easy." Alice says, "You're asking me to be a clueless jerk in front of our primary vendor." Alice says, "Please don't ask me to do this." The boss says, "And ask if they'll change the part about "acts of God" to include poltergeists." The boss walks away and thinks, "That's why our vendors never try to steal our best employees."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 05, 2005's comic on:


Tags #accomplishments, #iso 9000, #sei policies, #new policy, #comply, #head spin, #imagination, #pretending to work

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Wally: "My accomplishments this month include complying with our ISO 9000, Sarbanes-Oxley and SEI-5 policies." "And if you make a new policy, I will comply with it so fast it will make your head spin!" "Is it my imagination or is pretending to work getting easier?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 03, 2006's comic on:


Tags #vp of marketing, #17 years, #lowering margins, #overseeing campaigns

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Bob will be leaving us after 17 years as vice president of marketing. "Bob's accomplishments include lowering both our margins and our sales while overseeing a series of confusing marketing campaigns." "I hope you'll all join me in wishing for a piano to fall on his head."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 13, 2006's comic on:


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Dogbert the Lobbyist "For a million dollars I can have the government include your industrial waste in the recommended food pyramid." "For another million I'll have Congress authorize huge tax breaks for soulless, Blackberry-using weasels with coffee breath." "I just want to hug you!" "That's another million."