Manipulate Owners Comic Strips - Page 3

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37 Results for Manipulate Owners

View 21 - 30 results for manipulate owners comic strips. Discover the best "Manipulate Owners" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 14, 1998's comic on:


Tags #donate computer, #most insane, #not work on project, #manipulate

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Caption reads: Dogbert's First Law of Business. Dogbert says, "Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane." Caption reads: Example. A co-worker enters Dilbert's cubicle and says, "Thanks for agreeing to work on my project." Dilbert turns and says, "I never agreed to work on your project." The co-worker raises her arm and yells, "You can't change your mind now! It's too late to get someone else!" Dilbert says, "Um...I'm not changing my mind. I clearly said I would NOT work on your project." The co-worker drops her papers and screams, "You lying weasel! I'll ruin you!!" Dilbert shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll work on your project!" The same co-worker enters Wally's cubicle and says, "Wally, thanks for agreeing to donate your computer to my project." Wally says, "What?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 10, 2004's comic on:


Tags #portotype, #wireless hassock - buddy, #gps naviagtion, #stalk owners, #stalk, #powerpoint presentations

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Dilbert: I finished the prototype for the wireless hassock-buddy. It uses GPS navigation to stalk its owner and demand that he rest his feet. Today I learned the words "stalk" and "AAAGH" In my powerpoint presentations.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 09, 2012's comic on:


Tags #hypocrisy, #golden rule, #test your rule, #hypocrite, #engineer, #hatred, #hypocricy, #manipulate, #engineering

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Boss: We can make this a great place to work by following the golden rule. Treat others as you would want them to treat you. Dilbert: That's dumb. Boss: It's not dumb! Dilbert: Let's test your rule. Would you like it if someone gave you a hundred dollars? Boss: Yes. Dilbert: Okay. So give me a hundred dollars. Or else forever live as a hypocrite who doesn't follow his own rule. Wally: Snork! Alice: Snork! Boss: I hate your engineering guts!!! Dilbert: At least you're making sense now.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 31, 2013's comic on:


Tags #fear, #inventions, #machine learning, #track customers, #machines take over, #annihilate all humans

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CEO: Our machine learning technology allows us to track customer preferences and use that knowledge to manipulate them. Dilbert: That seems like the step that happens right before the machines take over the earth and annihilate all humans. CEO: There's always one person in every crowd who says that. Dilbert: Not for much longer, apparently.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 03, 2008's comic on:


Tags #borrow pen, #company like family, #culture, #search computer, #sign docuemnt, #test for dugs, #trust and respect, #manipulate

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CatBert: This company is like a family. Our culture is based on trust and respect. Now sign this document that says we can test you for drugs and search your computer and your office. Man: Can I borrow your pen? Catbert: Do I look like Bill and Melinda Gates?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 29, 2008's comic on:


Tags #jury selection, #big eyebrows, #dumb as you look, #manipulate, #love, #relationships

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Jury selection Dogbert says, "You with the big eyebrows, are you as dumb as you look?" A man says, "I'm not sure. I don't remember what I look like." Dogbert says, "Okay, you're in. And on an unrelated noted, I'm the only person who ever loved you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 02, 2008's comic on:


Tags #no budget, #raise, #quit, #job refernce, #work again, #manipulate, #harrasment

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The Boss says, "Alice, there's no budget to give you a raise, but I'll give you something that is just as good." The Boss says, "I promise that if you quit on me I will give you a bad reference and you will never work again." Alice says, "How is that just as good as a raise?" The Boss says, "Try to see it from my point of view."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 03, 2009's comic on:


Tags #demanding, #stock, #prices, #conspiracy, #idea, #alien

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Dogbert the CEO Dogbert says, "We need another economic bubble to drive up our stock value." Dogbert says, "Assemble the illuminati!" Man says, "As usual, I'll create the media frenzy, Dogbert will manipulate prices, and IXPU will vaporize the whistle-blowers."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 06, 2009's comic on:


Tags #asking, #approval, #bureaucracy, #avoiding, #explaining, #disappearing

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Dilbert says, "Can you approve this change?" Woman says, "I'll have to run it by my corporate office." Woman says, "And we're in merger talks, so they'll need to clear it with our future owners." Woman says, "No one will know who should make the decision or what the right decision is." Dilbert says, "When do you think you'll have an answer?" Woman says, "Sometime between next week and whenever the earth is devoured by a gravitational singularity." Woman says, "Meanwhile I will avoid your calls and e-mails by becoming a vapor." Dilbert says, "You forgot the approval form."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 21, 2010's comic on:


Tags #cost estimate, #deny, #numbers, #manipulate, #decisions, #hurt, #typing at computer, #humming noise, #annoy, #go away, #angry face, #home, #sitting on couch

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Coworker says, "Can I get a rough cost estimate for the design phase?" Dilbert says, "No. I don't trust you with numbers." Coworker says, "What?" Dilbert says, "You're the kind of guy who will remove useful qualifiers and distribute a figure as if it is true in all cases." Dilbert says, "Decisions will be made. People will get hurt." Dilbert says, "For everyone's sake, the safest thing I can do is make an annoying humming sound until you go away." Dilbert says, "Hummmmm-mmmmmmmmm-mmmmm." Dilbert says, "Half of life is making people go away." Dogbert says, "Humm-mmmm"