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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 04, 1990's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #date, #guys, #unemployed, #new, #job, #social, #security, #Number, #social security number, #interest, #there

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A woman at a desk tells Dilbert, "Sorry, I don't date guys from work." Dilbert says, "I'll resign . . ." The woman says, "Sorry, I don't date unemployed guys." Dilbert says, "I . . . I'll get a new job . . . One you approve of." The woman says, "Sorry, I don't date guys with your social security number." Back at home, Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert sits on the hassock. Dogbert says, "So, it turns out her unlucky number has nine digits in it . . ." Dilbert says, "But she knew my social security number, so I think there's some interest there . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 15, 1996's comic on:


Tags #Catbert, #evil director, #human resources, #enjoying job, #temporary, #emplotyee manual, #job satisfaction, #stealing company, #admisiion, #fearing sheiks pain, #business

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Wally sits across from Catbert's desk. Catbert says, "According to my sources, you've been enjoying your job, Wally." Wally replies, "It was temporary. I don't know what got into me . . ." Catbert says, "Please refer to page one of the employee manual." Wally reads the manual, "Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company." Catbert says, "I'll have to charge you for admission unless I start hearing some shrieks of pain."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 05, 1997's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #bearer, #bad news, #doctor, #six months to live, #nose job, #mix up, #hospital, #medical

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A man lies in a hospital bed with a bandage on his nose. Dogbert stands on the bed and says, "Your doctor asked me to tell you that you have six months to live." The patient says, "There must be a mistake. I'm here for a nose job." Dogbert checks a document and says, "Oh, you're right . . . I wondered why that last guy was so happy when I told him he'd have one huge nostril for the next forty years."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 25, 1997's comic on:


Tags #installing line, #phone line, #connected, #network, #yank wire, #central offcie

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Installing an ISDN line Telephone repairman is sitting next to the phone jack. Repairman says, "First we need to make sure your phone line is connected to our network." Repairmen hands Dilbert a cordless phone. Repairmen says, "I'll yank the wire while you listen for a "whump" sound at the central office." Central office full of pipes. Wires spill out of one of the pipes. Man holding one of the wires is listening to the phone which is off the hook. Over the phone Dilbert is heard. Dilbert says, "I heard something."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 06, 1997's comic on:


Tags #career counseling, #job involving sin, #bingo field, #budget work, #no marketing, #no auditing, #no garnet manuafacturing

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Chil is consulting Dogbert about his career. He says, "I'd be good at any job involving sin." Phil says, "Perhaps something in the bingo field, or maybe budget work." Dogbert suggests, "How about marketing?" Phil frowns, "I have a soul. It's just a small one." Dogbert says, "Gotcha. No marketing... no auditing... no garment manufacturing..."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 28, 1998's comic on:


Tags #pressure makes diamonds, #garbage more compact, #slogans, #meeting, #strong job market, #engineers, #irritation makes perals, #pressure makes whine, #business

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At the staff meeting, The Boss says, "Our new slogan is Pressure Makes Diamonds." Wally sits to one side. Wally says,"How about Pressure Makes Garbage More Compact? I wonder if that one is taken." Dilbert looks on as The Boss frowns. The Boss walks out followed by Wally, who says, "Irritation Makes Pearls. Or maybe Pressure Makes Whine." The Boss thinks, "I hate this strong job market for engineers."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 19, 1998's comic on:


Tags #top executives, #locked, #conference room, #starved to death, #call help, #phone, #trouble, #deciosns, #get outside line

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Alice peaks into Dilbert's cube while he is sitting at his computer terrminal and says, "I just heard that all our top executives got locked in a conference room and starved to death." Dilbert replies, "Why didn't they use the phone to call for help?" Caption: One week ago... Three executives sitting at a table staring at a phone. One, while holding a piece of paper, says, "It's agreed: We dial 83 to get an outside line." Another executive says, "Uh-oh. This one doesn't do decimals."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 28, 1998's comic on:


Tags #boss hires dennis, #indispensable, #sadistic nut, #job unbearable, #die in own vomit!

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The Boss is talking to Alice and Dilbert. He tells them, "Every work group has one sadistic nut who makes the job unbearable for everyone else." The Boss continues, "That's why I hired Dennis." The Boss points to an angry, violent looking man with dark hair. The Boss says, "He already seems indispensible." Dennis screams, "You'll all die in your own vomit!" Alice is appauled.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 18, 1994's comic on:


Tags #dogbert teaches math, #cut staff, #bonus worth, #expense requiremnets, #calculated, #budget, #multiply by one, #doctor, #flashlight, #projections come from, #medical

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The caption says, "Dogbert teaches business math." Dogbert points to a diagram of an equation. A picture of Wally, Dilbert and Alice illustrates the equation, "Grunts equals zero." The caption says, "#1. Any job that can be done by two people . . ." The Boss stands behind two people. The caption continues, ". . . Can be done by one person for half the cost." The Boss yanks one of the workers out of his chair. The caption says, "#2. A bonus today is worth more than . . ." The Boss holds a large bag of money. The caption continues, ". . . The whole company tomorrow." An office building has a closed sign on it. The caption says, "#3. Your expense requirements for December can be calculated . . ." The Boss sits at his desk writing on a piece of paper. The caption continues, ". . . By taking what's left in the budget and multiplying by one." A delivery person asks the Boss, "Giraffe goes where?" Dogbert says, "Next week, a doctor with a flashlight shows us where sales projections come from."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 16, 1995's comic on:


Tags #job interview, #resume, #impressive, #biggest fault, #work too hard, #forget to eat, #bathe, #die as desk, #bloted, #stinking corpse, #someone hungrier

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Dilbert walks down the hall wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. Wally says, "Looks like somebody has a job interview." Dilbert says, "Shh." Dilbert sits across from a desk. The interviewer says, "Your resume is impressive. I only have one question." The interviewer asks, "What do you consider your biggest fault?" Dilbert replies, "Sometimes I work too hard." He thinks to himself, "Good one." The interviewer asks, "Why is that a fault?" Dilbert replies, "Well . . . Uh . . . I work so hard that I forget to eat and bathe for days. Eventually I starve to death at my desk." Dilbert lies down on the chair and continues, "I become a bloated, stinking corpse. Insects breed in my body. I spread disease to the entire company." Wally asks Dilbert, "How did it go?" Dilbert replies, "They want somebody hungrier."