Painfully Difficult Comic Strips - Page 3
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Dilbert stands in front of Carol's desk. Carol hold several pieces of paper. Carol says, "I can't process your voucher because these receipts look fake to me." Dilbert reaches for the receipts. Dilbert says, "They aren't fake!" Carol says, "Then why aren't they notarized?" Dilbet's hair stands on end. Dilbert crumples the paper. Dilbert says, "Because they're just receipts!" Carol says, "And now you'll tell me there's no DNA evidence either."
The Boss walks with Asok into Alice's cubicle. The boss says, "From now on, Asok, you'll report to Alice instead of me." The boss says, "You can never directly speak to me again. Everything must go through Alice." Asok turn to Alice. Asok says, "Tell him I understand." Alice says, "Submit your request by e-mail."
"Dilbert, do you have some time to help me with this technical analysis?" "Sure, if you'll go to my house and mow my lawn so this doesn't become a lopsided relationship." "Why must you be so difficult to abuse?" "Go spit in your socks."
The Boss says, "Wally, have you made any progress coding your module?" Wally says, "Progress is difficult to measure in the software realm." Wally says, "You could measure the lines of code I produce, but that would reward inefficiency." Wally says, "The art of this job is binding the rare moments of inspiration to knowledge and machines." Wally says, "In fact, just a minute ago I could feel the inspiration welling up inside me." Wally says, "But then you interrupted me with your naive question and the moment was lost." Wally says, "Maybe you should go back to your office and reflect on the damage you've done here today." Wally thinks, "There goes the one person who has less of a real job than I do."
"Welcome to Dogbert's deeply discounted motivational speakers bureau." "I need a slightly motivational speaker and I don't have much budget." "I want to inspire my employees to work harder, without motivating them to seek better jobs." "I recommend Robbie, the frightening hobo." "Does he talk about his difficult journey from the dumpster to success?" "We're not sure. He mumbles." "But no one has ever become an entrepreneur after hearing him speak." mumble mumble mumble "Must...keep...job."
"Today I will teach you how to use your incompetence to achieve your goals." "Step 1: Be incompetent. (Also known as 'the easy part.')" "Step 2: Volunteer for the most difficult and important projects" "Step 3: Convince your boss that an enemy within the company is slowing you down." "Step 4: Insist that competent people be pulled off of other projects to help you." "Step 5: Declare yourself the leader of the competent people" "Step 6: Claim credit for the work of the competent people." "Step 7: After you get promoted, fire the competent people to eliminate witnesses."
"When do I need to give the specs to the programmers?" "They don't need them." "Why? Is it because they already know what to do?" "Yes, exactly. They know how to do that part." "Well, now I have a difficult choice." "I could call the programmers, prove you wrong, and suffer the consequences in a thousand subtle ways..." "Or I could do nothing and wait to get hosed for not providing the specs on time." "Geez. You complain when I don't give you choices too."
Catbert is lying on a psychologist's couch. He says, "I'm a director of human resources." Catbert continues, "So naturally, I have to keep up the appearance of being evil." The psychologist asks, "But you find it difficult to do evil things?" Catbert responds, "No, I like that part of the job... Stop jumping ahead, hag." Catbert continues, "My problem is that anytime I see a tiny object fall to the floor, I jump on it and eat it." Catbert continues, "Sometimes I'm not even hungry and I know it's just a piece of debris but I can't stop myself." The psychologist says, "Oops.. I misspelled psycho." Catbert's voice is heard "No! Not eraser debris!" Catbert is heard from the floor, "#*!! @$& Quack!" The psychologist laughs and responds, "Who's a hag?"