February 2018 Comic Strips - Page 3

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Wally Maintains The Network

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Wally Maintains The Network  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags information, spying, surviellance, blackmail, extortion

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Boss: Wally, your performance is terrible. You're fired. Wally: Are you aware that every message you have ever sent using company devices is archived on a network you assigned me to maintain? Boss: Is that a threat? Wally: I also archive your web searches.

Compensation Based On Happiness

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Compensation Based On Happiness - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags happiness, company culture, raise, wages, job satisfaction, compensation, psychology, money

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Boss: From now on, your compensation will be a function of your baseline happiness. We don't want to waste money giving raises to employees who won't get any happier no matter what we do. Dilbert: This plan makes me unhappy. Boss: Nice try, but you were already unhappy.

Listening To A Millenial

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Listening To A Millenial - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags millennial, malaise, melancholy

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Dilbert: I didn't accomplish anything this week because I made the mistake of talking to a millennial. It sucked the ambition out of me. Now I'm nothing but an empty husk of pain and pointlessness. Boss: Walk it off. Dilbert: I need a job that pays me for listening to my favorite music.

Millenial Fever

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Millenial Fever - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags millennial, positive reinforcement, praise, meaning, purpose

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Dilbert: I got millennial fever from talking to a millennial. Now I see my job as a meaningless series of empty tasks. Catbert: What do you expect me to do about that? Dilbert: I was hoping for some praise.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags birthday, cake, card or goft, collect money, collection, leave work early, boss birthday

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Carol: I need to go home early today. Can you collect money for our boss's birthday gift? Carol: I wouldn't ask you don to it, but his birthday is tomorrow. Dilbert: um...okay. Carol: and could you also order a cake? You'll also need a card and a gift. Dilbert: This got a lot harder than I thought it.... Carol: Thanks! Bye! Dilbert: Tomorrow is our Boss's Birthday and I need to leave for early today, so... Alice: Nice try.

Dogbert's Personality Profiles

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Dogbert's Personality Profiles   - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags consultant, personality, test, business, psychology

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Dogbert: I have the results of your Dogbert Personality Profiles. Based on your questionnaire answers, Alice is angry, Wally is lazy, and Dilbert is boring. Dilbert: How are we supposed to use this new information? Dogbert: Wake me up when he's done talking.

How To Use Personality Profiles

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How To Use Personality Profiles  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags personality test, personaity, privacy, memory, forgetfulness, absent mindedness

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Dilbert: We all took the Dogbert Personality Test, bu tit's not clear how we're supposed to use the information. I mean, how does it help me to know you're a forgetful moron who can't keep a secret? Boss: Who showed you my private test results? Dilbert: You did.

Disgruntled Carol

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Disgruntled Carol - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags personality test, personality, mental illness, fear, threat, danger, psychology

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Boss: Did you take The Dogbert Personality Type Test? Carol: Yes. I'm a disgruntled psychopath with a blinding hatred for authority. Boss: I'll be in my office. Carol: Good! Stay there!