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Dilbert sits in his chair reading the newspaper and Dogbert sits on Dilbert's legs. Dogbert asks, "Remember the time you laughed at your own joke so hard that you inhaled and snorted at the same time?" Dogbert continues, "Then you choked on your own spit, which caused you to lurch over and bonk your head on the coffee table . . ." Dogbert asks, "Who says your life is boring?" Dilbert replies, "I'm ignoring you."
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A woman tells Dilbert and Wally, "I'm collecting money for Mary's birthday gift." Dilbert asks, "How much do you want?" She replies, "Oh, it's totally up to you." The woman continues, "However, the usual accepted levels are, in effect . . ." She continues, "Ten dollars from her boss and anybody else who thinks it would improve his odds of becoming romantically involved with her." The woman continues, "Five dollars from male co-workers who feel their manhood would be threatened by a smaller gift . . ." She continues, "One dollar if you're a secretary or if nobody is watching . . ." The woman concludes, "Or you can just ruffle the money already in the envelope and act like you gave five." Dilbert says, "Let's say you fall into more than one of those categories . . ." Wally ruffles the money in the envelope. The woman thinks, "Engineers."
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Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert sits on the hassock. Dogbert says, "I've decided to become a doctor." Dogbert continues, "People have to suck up to doctors, otherwise they stick big needles into your body for practically no reason at all." Dogbert continues, "A lot of careers don't offer that kind of opportunity." Dilbert replies, "Yeah, it's not the same with a stapler."
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Dogbert stands on a stool holding a reflex hammer. He says to the patient on the examining table, "Hold still while Doctor Dogbert whacks your knee." As Dogbert taps his knee, the man says, "Aak . . . Crime is society's fault . . . Raise taxes to feed the poor . . . Stop nuclear research . . . Save the . . ." The man covers his mouth. Dogbert says, "Apparently you're a knee-jerk liberal. You can live a normal life but you'll be annoying at parties."
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Dogbert says to a patient on the examining table, "You have a mild flu, and normally you would survive." Dogbert continues, "However, in this brief visit I've developed no real empathy for you, so I've decided to let you die." The man asks, "Is there anything I can do?!" Dogbert replies, "Well . . . Unless you can afford my new 'Ambassador Class' service."
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Dogbert, who is holding a stethoscope, says to a room full of people, "Attention, all patients!" Dogbert continues, "I have turbocharged the x-ray machine and aimed it at the waiting room. Everybody close your eyes for five minutes then leave. Your diagnoses will arrive by mail." Dogbert walks away saying, "It was a stroke of genius to schedule all of the hypochondriacs for the same day."
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Dogbert sits at a desk under a sign that says, "Dogbert's Dating Service." A man says, "I'd like to sign up." The customer continues, "Although deep down I know that all of the people in your service are men, I cling to the fantasy of meeting the woman who modeled for your brochure." Dogbert says, "She's taken, but I can match you with somebody named 'Francis' or 'Kris.'" The man replies, "There's hope!"
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Dogbert stands on a chair using a computer while Dilbert watches. Dogbert says, "I'll search my Date-a-Base for women who want a nice guy and don't care about looks." Dogbert says, "All I'm getting are some quotes from guests on 'Donahue,' but they don't seem sincere." Dogbert continues, "Maybe if I expand the search to include all primates . . ." Dilbert asks, "Why did you add 'don't care about looks?'"
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Dilbert and a woman sit on a grassy hill. The woman says, "Dilbert, I think it would be better if we were just friends." Dilbert says, "Okay." The woman thinks, "Okay?? He took it too easy. I should bargain for more." The woman says, "I mean . . . Friends with OTHER people. You and I would just be acquaintances." Dilbert replies, "Okay." The woman thinks, "Still too easy. I can get more." The woman says, "I don't mean the kind of acquaintances that could become friends . . . It would be more like you were an ex-employee of mine." Dilbert replies, "Okay." The woman says, "Yeah, that's it. You can be my ex-butler, who I fired for stealing stuff." Dilbert replies, "Okay." The woman thinks, "What's going on here?" Dilbert thinks, "Good. It looks like the window of opportunity is still slightly open."
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Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "So, you're a time management expert huh? Might be useful . . . I'll let you know . . ." Dogbert screams, "Decide now! Do it! Do it, do it! Now now now now!" The Boss says, "You're good . . . When can you start?" Dogbert replies, "I'll get back to you."