boss: how can i trust your estimate when you have been wrong every other time?
wally: practice makes perfect
boss: um...
boss thinking: i just realized i don't know how anything works.
dilbert: can i take this database class?
boss: no, that's a slippery slope. if i approve that class, next you will demand i pay for cosmetic surgery.
dilbert: do i look like i need it?
boss: only in two places - your face and your body
boss: i forgot i was filling my bathtub and went away for the weekend. now my house is full of water all the way to the attic. i don't know what to do.
wally: try putting a hose in the chimney and sucking.
boss: wally, your performance is substandard.
wally: give me a great performance review, or else i'll design a robot that will take your job.
boss: you could do that?
wally: i have the skills. i just don't like to use them.
dilbert: i'm not good at reading faces. what does that one mean?
man: it means i'm mad at myself for over sleeping and having to rush to work, so i hate your guts.
dilbert: oh. i was guessing it was something about pancakes. probably because i'm hungry.
boss: i'm sorry i've been too busy to mentor you lately.
dilbert: were you mentoring me before?
boss: kind of. i was criticizing you in my mind.
dilbert: i think it made me a better person.
female office worker: i can tell by your body language that you want me to fail.
dilbert: why would i want you to fail?
female: you're not denying it!!!
dilbert: well, now i want you to fail.
female yelling: you're a monster!
boss: did you send me your project update?
dilbert: were you planning to read it?
boss: no
dilbert: then i totally sent it too you
boss thinking: half of my job is imaginary
boss: tell me what you are looking for in an employer
interviewee in suit: i want a company that appreciates a healthy work-life balance.
boss: you have a bit of a victim vibe
interviewee: i was hoping that didn't show
