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Wally sits at his desk and Dilbert stands behind him. The Boss enters and says, "I made a few changes to the design." Dilbert reads a document and looks shocked. He says, "We'll have to work around the clock for months to make these changes!!" The Boss says, "Work smarter, not harder." Wally looks at the changes and says, "You're trying to violate the laws of physics!" The Boss replies, "Rules were made to be broken." Dilbert says, "This design would create enough radiation to instantly kill the user!!" The Boss walks away and says, "Be sure to mention that in the documentation." Dilbert says to Wally, "Let's work smarter not harder." Wally replies, "I think we found the only 'beta' tester we'll need."
Wally is in Bob the Dinosaur's office. Bob says, "I'm afraid the equipment you want is not on the approved equipment list." Bob continues, "Let me think . . . if I add this to the approved list, that's more work for ME . . . but if I say no, it's more work for YOU . . . hmm . . . think, think . . ." Wally says, "I'd like to see this alleged list." Bob replies, "Well, it's not so much a physical list as it is a philosophy."
The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit around a conference table. Wally hands the Boss a piece of paper and says, "My proposed work plan for the year is to stress-test our product under severe network conditions." Wally continues, "I will accomplish this by downloading large image files from the busiest servers on the net." As Wally and Dilbert walk away from the meeting, Wally comments, "I was THIS close to making it my job to download naughty pictures." Dilbert says, "It's just as well; I would have had to kill you."
Dilbert and Stan from marketing sit at a conference table. As he types on a laptop, Dilbert tells Stan, "Okay, let's start by documenting your market requirements." Stan responds, "No, let's start by you telling me all the things you can design. Then I'll tell you which one I like." Dilbert says, "Work can be very rewarding. You should try it." Stan points to Dilbert's portable PC and asks, "What's that doohickey you have there?"
A man tells Dilbert, "You'll be performing a 'Turing test' on our new artificial intelligence software." Dilbert sits at a desk. The researcher continues, "Try to determine if the responses on your screen come from our computer or a human in the next room." Dilbert says, "I'll ask it to write a strategy for our company." The computer responds, "Our strategy is to visionize quality resources that enhance earnings." Dilbert thinks, "Hmm." Dilbert says, "I'll ask it how to motivate employees." The computer response says, "Reorganize often to improve focus. Redefine work as 'opportunity' and increase it daily. Take time to ask for opinions then explain why they're wrong." Dilbert tells the researcher, "It must be a computer because there's no human intelligence. Unless . . ." Dilbert looks into the next room and sees the Boss sitting at a computer. Dilbert says, "Nice try, boss."
Dilbert sits on the couch reading a magazine with his feet on the coffee table. Dogbert and Ratbert stand on the table. Dogbert says, "We're going downtown to play 'security guards in space.'" Dilbert says, "I don't want to know." Dogbert and Ratbert walk down the sidewalk pulling a lunch box shaped like a space rocket. Ratbert says, "Let's try that building." The security guard says to Dogbert, "I'll need to see your I.D. badge, sir." Dogbert shows him something and says, "Look fast!! There it is!! Not a pack of matches!!" The security guard says, "Okay." The guard says, "I'll have to search your lunch box." The guard looks inside the rocket and says, "It's just a bunch of wires and gizmos." Dogbert says, "You're making me SO hungry." Dogbert asks, "Could you watch my lunch while I take the cart back to my car?" The guard sits on the rocket. Dogbert tells Ratbert, "I feel bad, but it's the only way to test if space travel is safe for us animals." Ratbert says, "I feel safer already "
The Boss holds a syringe. He says to Dilbert, "Drop your trousers and turn around. I need a DNA sample." Dilbert bends over looking angry. As draws Dilbert's blood, the Boss says, "We're scanning for any fatal genetic problems that could hurt productivity." Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss enters holding the test results and says, "Uh . . . we decided to move your project deadline up a week." Dilbert's hair stands up straight.
Tags #protects webs prodcuts, #engineer, #pads schedule, #six months, #build prodcut, #play doom, #computer, #add people, #tiny empire, #eighteen months, #sales people, #irrational desire, #beta test, #technology, #engineering
Dogbert holds a pointer and stands next to the caption, "How Nature Protects Weak Products." The caption says, "First, the engineer pads his schedule." Dilbert and the Boss sit at a conference table. The Boss asks, "Six months?" Dilbert replies, "At least." Dilbert thinks, "One month to build the product and five months to play 'Doom' on my computer." The caption says, "Then the manager pads the schedule as a clever negotiating ploy." The Boss tells an executive, "One year . . . Unless you add people to my tiny empire." The caption says, "Then the vice president pads the schedule to avoid looking bad to the president." The VP kisses the president's toes and says, "Eighteen months." The caption says, "Meanwhile, the sales people are making up numbers because nobody tells them anything." A man tells a woman, "Two months . . . And it solves every problem you have!" The caption says, "This causes the customers to develop irrational desire for the product." A woman says into the phone, "Give me the 'beta' test version in one month." The caption says, "Thus nature disguises weak products as 'beta.'" The woman looks at a device and says, "Cardboard? That's stupid." Dilbert replies, "Oh . . . Then it's beta."
The Boss, Dilbert and a man with an eye patch sit at a conference table. The man says, "Sure, we could bring some strangers in to test out product for ease of use . . ." The man continues, "But that could take all afternoon and cost at least a hundred dollars." The man continues, "And all it proves is strangers are stupid." The Boss says, "Sometimes they have good candy."
The Boss says to Dilbert, "I hired a professional to help us design our product interface." The Boss continues, "His last job was as an international terrorist. It's not a perfect fit but he went to Yale." Dilbert sits at a table and says to the man sitting with him, "So, I hear you went to Yale, Sven." Sven answers, "I yust got out last week."