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Dilbert: I keep speaking truth to power, but it isn't working for me. Wally: Try lying to weasels. It doesn't look as good on a bumper sticker but it gets the job done. Dilbert: That sounds like a terrible idea. Wally: Then why are you doing it right now?
Male Employee: Do you have an hour to meet next week? Dilbert: Let me check my calendar. Next week is not good. Male Employee: You don't have one hour of free time all week? Dilbert: Well, this is awkward. The problem isn't my schedule so much as your total lack of value relative to my alternatives. Male Employee: Maybe we could meet over lunch? Dilbert: I like to focus on my sandwich.
Tags #Wally, #the boss, #bad, #technology, #day, #phone, #freezing, #printer, #working, #network, #warning, #lights, #christmas, #tree, #laptop, #boot, #coincidence, #permission, #lock, #lead-line, #box, #hero
Wally: I'm having a bad technology day. My phone keeps freezing, my printer isn't working, and our network is down. Wally: My car's warning lights look like a Christmas tree, and my laptop won't boot up. Maybe its all just coincidence but I don't think we can take that chance. May I have permission to lock myself in a lead-lined box to protect the rest of the company? The Boss: How will I know you're really in a lead-lined box? Wally: YOu'll know because your phone will be working fine. The Boss: My phone is still working that man is a hero.
The Boss: I need someone to run some test scripts on the new software. Dilbert: I can do that my project is on hold until the new hardware arrives. The Boss: Great, I'll need you to run the same tests on every version until final release. Dilbert: Um... I was only volunteering to do it once it isn't my job to do all the testing. The Boss: Too late. You're the test script guy now. Dilbert: You're adding an entirely new job to my existing job! The Boss: Don't you want to be a team player? Dilbert: Of course I do. The Boss: Good. I just put you on the losing team.
Asok: I'm doing the job of three people and it isn't fair. Boss: Good point. Alice is doing the job of seven people. I'll give you two of her jobs to balance it out. Wally: So...is complaining better than hiding? Asok: No...you were right.
CEO: Profits have increased thirty percent under my leadership. Dilbert: Snort. CEO: What? Dilbert: All you do is pick the best plans from the options we show you. CEO: Exactly, and I pick the best plan every time. Dilbert: That's because we only show you the best plans compared to the worst plans we can think of. We control every decision you make by manipulating your perception of the options. CEO: We need to fix that. Dilbert: How do you fix something that isn't broken?
Boss: The inspirational poster I put in the break room isn't working. I asked around and no one is soaring with the eagles. Catbert: Is the poster defective? Boss: That's the only explanation that makes sense.
Dilbert: I'm turning off my digital devices so I can spend some time with my thoughts. Dogbert: That sounds like a terrible idea. Do you remember what your quiet thoughts were like? Dilbert: Not really. But how bad could it be? This isn't so bad. Just a bit boring. Five minutes later. Dilbert: I'm getting the shakes. The boredom has metastasized. Gaaaa!!! The boredom is overwhelming! Kill me! Kill me! Dogbert: Maybe you should have tried being with people. Dilbert: It was already bad enough.
Tina: Sometimes it seems as if you don't like me. Dilbert: Don't be ridiculous. I'm just an introvert. Being around people drains my energy. I only avoid you because spending five minutes with you feels like being buried alive. With fleas instead of dirt. Tina: So...it isn't personal? Dilbert: I need a nap.
Tina: You should meet the new guy in marketing. You two would get along great. I'll set up a lunch. Dilbert: Why? Tina: Because he reminds me of you. Dilbert:That isn't a reason. Tina: Okay, he is free tomorrow for lunch. I'll tell him to meet you in the lobby. Dilbert: I still don't see why the three of us need to go to lunch. Tina: It's just the two of you. I'm busy tomorrow. Man: I hear you're a lot like me. Dilbert: Sadly, yes.