boss: wally, your performance is substandard.
wally: give me a great performance review, or else i'll design a robot that will take your job.
boss: you could do that?
wally: i have the skills. i just don't like to use them.
dilbert: i'm not good at reading faces. what does that one mean?
man: it means i'm mad at myself for over sleeping and having to rush to work, so i hate your guts.
dilbert: oh. i was guessing it was something about pancakes. probably because i'm hungry.
Carol: I have bad news.
Dilbert: What is it?
Carol: I'll tell you later.
Dilbert: Why can't you tell me now?
Carol: I don't want to start and then get interrupted if someone comes in the room.
Dilbert: How bad is the news?
Carol: It's bad. Very bad.
Dilbert: You're making me crazy, how can I relax knowing some terrible news is out there? Don't tell me you have bad news if you aren't going to tell me what it is!!!
Wally: What did I miss?
Dilbert: I don't know!
boss: i'm sorry i've been too busy to mentor you lately.
dilbert: were you mentoring me before?
boss: kind of. i was criticizing you in my mind.
dilbert: i think it made me a better person.
female office worker: i can tell by your body language that you want me to fail.
dilbert: why would i want you to fail?
female: you're not denying it!!!
dilbert: well, now i want you to fail.
female yelling: you're a monster!
boss: did you send me your project update?
dilbert: were you planning to read it?
boss: no
dilbert: then i totally sent it too you
boss thinking: half of my job is imaginary
boss: tell me what you are looking for in an employer
interviewee in suit: i want a company that appreciates a healthy work-life balance.
boss: you have a bit of a victim vibe
interviewee: i was hoping that didn't show
boss to wally: ted says you wouldn't help him on his project.
wally: i was teaching him how to be self-reliant. that's important too, isn't it? not such an easy question, is it?
Boss: I'm negotiating a deal with the government of Elbonia. They agreed to buy a thousand dollars of our products. All I had to do was agree to let them steal all of our intellectual property.
Dilbert: Wouldn't it be better for us if they didn't steal our I.P.?
Boss: You have to look at the big picture. They also agreed to stop killing tens of thousands of our citizens with their illegal drug shipments.
Dilbert: Did they stop?
Boss: No, but they said they would.
Dilbert: Maybe you should negotiate harder.
Boss: And risk losing a thousand dollars of revenue?
