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Tags #binge eating, #both mandatory and prohibited, #budget freeze, #corporate communications, #cubicle, #danville font, #danville font software, #department, #negativity, #next evaluation, #non stop sobbing, #approved corporate font, #no eating, #cubicles
The Boss says to Tina, "Tina, you didn't use the approved corporate font." The Boss continues, "Our corporate communications department days we have to use the danville font." Tina replies, "No problem. I'll buy the danville font software today." The Boss says, "There's a budget freeze on software purchases." Tina asks, "So.. the danville font is both mandatory and prohibited?" The Boss says, "Remind me to ding you for negativity on your next evaluation." Tina responds, "I think I'll do some binge eating and non-stop sobbing at my cubicle now." Tina continues, "Unless that's prohibited too." The Boss replies, "No eating in cubicles."
Boss: Experts say I can appear charismatic by setting high expectations. Dilbert: Or maybe you could improve your charisma by fixing your character flaws instead of making me work harder. Boss: No, I'm fairly sure the problem with my charisma is on your end.
Interview at a start-up Interviewer: We only hire people who fit into our awesome start-up culture. Dilbert: No problem. I can be a self-conscious hipster if you think that's what keeps the lights on. Interviewer: I kind of do. Dilbert: What would I need besides an earring and headphones?
This website has been blocked by your company. Dilbert: Mordac, I need access to a blocked site for business reasons, Mordac: I can only unblock the site if the director of human resources sends me a written approval. Catbert: I can only make recommendations, Our Cis still has to approve it. Chief Information Officer How dare you bother me with your trivial website problem! Carol back into your hole and think about the career mistake you just made! Dilbert: Can we kip the part where you ask me what I accomplished this week?
Coworker: You'll need to mail me the original signature page after everyone signs it. Dilbert: No problem. I'll use my time machine to go back to an era in which mailing original signatures made some kind of sense. I wonder if there will ever be a way to send images over the telegraph system.
Boss: How'd your call go? Dilbert: Better than I expected. We spent the first 45 minutes trying to get our online collaboration tools to work. Then we couldn't agree on what we were trying to accomplish. I couldn't understand most of the attendees because they were on speakerphones in rooms with bad acoustics. I randomly agreed to a few things, but I don't know what. Boss: I thought you said it went better than you expected. Dilbert: It did. I go into every human encounter expecting to be framed for a crime I didn't commit. Boss: I really need to find a problem I can fix.
Dilbert: The government wants access to our customer records so they can look for terrorists. Boss: Fine. No problem. Dilbert; They also want you to get a colonoscopy and send them the video. Boss: Really? Dilbert: I'm going to say yes.
Wally: I've got a bad case of something the experts call "sitting disease." Studies show that people who sit all day for their jobs have 40% greater chance of dying in the next three years. Company policy says safety is more important than productivity, right? Boss: Um... sort of. Wally: So instead of sitting at my desk working, I plan to walk around and drink coffee. For safety reasons. Boss: GO sit at your desk or you're fired. There's a good chance this problem will resolve itself within three years.
Agent: I'm from the government. We've been monitoring your Internet activity. Half of my department went blind and the other half needs counseling. Wally: Sounds like not my problem. Agent: We'd like to weaponize you.