2018 Comic Strips - Page 31

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dilbert, the boss, customer, meeting, engineers, years, disasters, worry, data, centers, blockchain

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Dilbert: Can I go with you to the customer meeting? I'm worried you might promise something we can't deliver. The Boss: Don't be ridiculous! I've been having customer meetings without engineers for years. Dilbert: I know and they all turn into disasters. The Boss: You worry too much! Everything will be fine! Man: Can you replace our data centers with blockchain? The Boss: Give us two days.

Training By Osmosis

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Training By Osmosis - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags the boss, formal, training, job, absorb, osmosis, idiot, rest, staff

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The Boss: We don't have formal training for your job. Just hang around and see if you can absorb it through osmosis. Man: I'm an idiot for taking this job. The Boss: You're already thinking like the rest of the staff!

Intentionally Underbidding

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Intentionally Underbidding - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dilbert, the boss, intentionally, underbidding, extra-shoddy, work, grossly, overcharging, upgrades, criminal, organization, proven

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The Boss: We won the job by intentionally underbidding. But we can close the profit gap by doing extra-shoddy work and grossly overcharging for upgrades. Dilbert: Are we a criminal organization? The Boss: Not in a way that can easily be proven.

Boss Leads All The Way

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Boss Leads All The Way - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, encouragement, irritation, managers & supervisors, trick, deadline

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Boss: We'll all need to work around the clock to meet the launch schedule. I'll be leading you every step of the way! Now, don't hate me because I can lead you while I'm home asleep. That's not my fault.

Exceeding Expectations

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Exceeding Expectations - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags employees, employment, job, managers & supervisors, office, office workers, salary

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Boss: I can't give you a bonus because you haven't exceeded my expectations. Dilbert: Did you expect me to exceed your expectations? Boss: Yes. Dilbert: It is logically impossible to exceed your expectations when you expect me to do it. Boss: No bonus!!!

Punishing For Others

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Punishing For Others - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags employment, engineering, managers & supervisors, office workers, salary

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Boss: We've decided to level the organization. This means a slight pay cut for senior engineers such as yourself, but I hope you'll be a team player. Dilbert: Are you punishing me for the mediocrity of others? Boss: Only indirectly.

Best Places To Work

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Best Places To Work - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags employees, employment, irony, lying, managers & supervisors, office

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Boss: We're trying to get on "best places to work" list. If you agree to lie on the survey, maybe we can attract some good employees to make this a best place to work. Dilbert: What? Boss: Keep your eye on the prize.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Advice, business, criticism, employment, managers & supervisors, office workers

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Asok: I'm thinking of getting a degree in business and moving onto the management track. Is it fun being a boss? Boss: It's the best! I haven't done anything hard since the day I got this job. I mostly just criticize idiots all day long. It's as if the company is paying me to do my hobby. Speaking of pay, my salary is about triple your pay. Asok: Is there any downside? Boss: I had a lot of guilt at first. Asok: It must have been awful. Boss: Yes, it was the longest ten minutes of my life.

Narcissist

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Narcissist  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags confused, ego, jokes, sarcasm

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Tina: You're a narcissist. Dilbert: You would need an inflated sense of your own importance to believe you can read my mind to compare my opinion of myself to your opinion of my worth. Tina: Huh? Dilbert: Sometimes my jokes are just for me.

Speakerphones

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Speakerphones - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags boss, criticism, distraction, managers & supervisors, office, office workers, phone call, sarcasm

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Dilbert: I accomplished nothing this week because my idiot co-workers continue to use their speakerphones in the office. This is compounded by the fact that my idiot boss doesn't allow me to work from home. If you need me, I'll be sitting in my cubicle doing nothing but waiting for other people's phone calls to end.