Search Results for "human resources"

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.
301 - 310 of 337

Thank you for voting.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 18, 2004's comic on:

Tags #extreme makeover, #buisness, #Dogbert, #rework a face, #plastic surgery, #scary, #human makeover, #ears, #antlers

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert: "I'm going into the extreme makeover business." "I'm planning to take it to the next level." "You'd look good with antlers." "And the nose has to go." Man: "Go?" "Your tiny ears are out of proportion." "These are ears." "I'll also rearrange your fat so you can't see it." "I'll toss in a few extras after you're unconscious, no charge." "Guess how old I am."

Thank you for voting.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 13, 2003's comic on:

Tags #hard day, #meeting with ceo, #billion dollar comapny, #free stock, #cash fow, #revenue, #disaster events, #tragic evenets, #slpping, #fear induced meeting

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: Im taking my business case too some venture capitalists. Im hoping that their wisdom and resources will make it a billion dollar company. Dilbert: Would you like some free stock? Dogbert: BAH! Dilbert: What would I do without the support of my loved one? CEO: What would the cash flow look like if.... ....Revenue was zero, microsoft and IBM entered the market , your factory burned down and a piano fell on your head? And what about civil unrest, lawsuits, natural disasters and locusts? Dilbert: ...Then the little one slapped me. Dogbert: Now RE_E_EL them in.

Thank you for voting.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 07, 2003's comic on:

Tags #blame game, #back and fourth, #forgotten, #no time, #didn't look, #tattoo on chest, #no time torso, #read torso, #stickin chest

View Transcript

Transcript

Man: You never responded to my urgent request for engineering resources. The Boss: "What?" Man: "I told Alice to ask you!" The Boss: "She must have forgotten." Alice: "I sent you three e-mail messages." The Boss: "You know I don't have time to read my e-mail." Alice: "And I sent you a voicemail." The Boss: "You know I don't have time for voice-mails." Alice: "That's why I also.." "Tatooed it on your stinkin' chest!!!" The Boss: "As if I have time to read my torso."

Thank you for voting.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 26, 2013's comic on:

Tags #cheeseburger, #dead man walking, #deception, #dried apricot, #heart, #inventions, #medical diagnosis, #program to hate, #neutrino sensor

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: I programmed our robot to make medical diagnoses. It can scan your body using its neutrino sensor. Robot, please demonstrate. Robot: Dead man walking! Boss: What? Robot: Your brain is the size of a dried apricot. Your heart is more cheeseburger than human tissue. You will be dead in eleven days, six hours, and nineteen minutes. Boss: Gaaa!!! Robot: Why did you program me to hate people? Wally: It was easier than inventing a neutrino sensor.

Thank you for voting.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 04, 2013's comic on:

Tags #pessimism, #telephones, #collaboration tools, #trying to accomplish, #bad acoustics, #speaker phones, #randomly agreed, #better than expected, #crime not committed

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: How'd your call go? Dilbert: Better than I expected. We spent the first 45 minutes trying to get our online collaboration tools to work. Then we couldn't agree on what we were trying to accomplish. I couldn't understand most of the attendees because they were on speakerphones in rooms with bad acoustics. I randomly agreed to a few things, but I don't know what. Boss: I thought you said it went better than you expected. Dilbert: It did. I go into every human encounter expecting to be framed for a crime I didn't commit. Boss: I really need to find a problem I can fix.

View more books now

Thank you for voting.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 09, 2014's comic on:

Tags #human body, #love, #rodents, #hugs, #without hassle, #oxytocin, #levels, #cuddles, #relationships

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: I want the health benefits of hugging without the hassle of a relationship. This rat is like a patch that increases my ocytocin levels. Rat: I thought we were in love. Wally: That's your oxytocin talking.

Thank you for voting.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 04, 2014's comic on:

Tags #complaints, #skunk opera, #analogies, #understand analogies, #employees complain, #office, #cubicle, #human relations

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: Sheesh! It feels as if every employee is complaining about one thing or another today. Carol: Maybe it's because your leadership has turned this place into a skunk opera. Luckily, you don't understand analogies. Boss: That one is about singing.

Thank you for voting.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 01, 2015's comic on:

Tags #deception, #dishonest, #dishonesty, #honest, #honesty, #lying, #reverse psychology, #trick, #trickery, #noteworthy, #hide evil, #verbal assault, #easiest lie, #set up

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: To be perfectly honest... Dilbert: Wait! Why do you need to say you're being honest in this particular case? You're implying that you've lied to me so often in the past that this one instance of honesty is noteworthy. That is tantamount to admitting you have no respect for me as a human being. And you don't even have the decency to hide your evil in a competent fashion! Do you think I'm such an idiot that I wouldn't notice your verbal assault on my intelligence? Okay, let's hear the one honest thing you have ever told me. Go. Boss: This is going to be the easiest lie I've ever told.

Day Of Arranging Zeroes And Ones

Thank you for voting.
Day Of Arranging Zeroes And Ones - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 16, 2015's comic on:

Tags #anti-social, #communication, #engineers, #happiness, #interaction, #introvert, #social interaction, #socializing, #psychology

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: Yay! I have another full day of doing nothing but rearranging zeros and ones. You know it will be a good day when there is no human interaction on the schedule. Tina: How's your day going? Dilbert: Well, it started good...

Root Cause Is People

Thank you for voting.
Root Cause Is People - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 24, 2015's comic on:

Tags #problems, #cause and effect, #human error

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: I found the root cause of our problems. It's people. They're buggy. Boss: Did you bring a pen?