Totally Real Comic Strips - Page 31

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View 301 - 310 results for totally real comic strips. Discover the best "Totally Real" comics from Dilbert.com.

Ted Has A Bad Feeling

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Ted Has A Bad Feeling - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #fired, #firing, #prognostication, #predict, #psychic, #complaining, #complaint, #prophecy

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Ted: I have a bad feeling about the direction of my project. Boss: You complain too much. You're fired. Dilbert: So... now you believe you can predict the future. Ted: Magic is real.

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Ceo Gets Paid More For Creating Nothing

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Ceo Gets Paid More For Creating Nothing - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #small talk, #conversation, #criticism, #executives, #salary, #wages, #fairness, #offense, #offend, #money

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Dilbert: Do you ever think it's weird that you get paid a hundred times more than me? I invented our core technology. All you did was interview better than a few other people who didn't invent anything. I'm not good at small talk. CEO: I would totally fire you if I could invent things.

Asok Asks How Much Is Luck

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Asok Asks How Much Is Luck - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #nepotism, #luck, #success, #obliviousness, #rich people, #privilege

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Asok: May I ask some questions about your journey to success? Boss: I don't like the sound of this. Asok: I am trying to ascertain what percentage of a person's success is pure luck. For example, who hired you for your first real job? Boss: My dad. But in my defense, I interview well.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #management, #strategy, #productivity, #humane, #inhumane, #treatment, #surveillance, #watching, #privacy, #work, #office workers

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Boss: We are going to start monitoring employee productivity in real time. Any questions? Dilbert: I need one clarification. Are you saying you removed the last shred of human dignity from our jobs and reduced us to nothing but a meat machine that suffers in a state of perpetual inadequacy as each person is compared to an arbitrary and ever-growing goal until there is no realistic way for the employee to find happiness through natural means? Boss: That's one way to look at it.

It's Easier If We Don't Try To Link Performance And Outcomes

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It's Easier If We Don't Try To Link Performance And Outcomes - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #performance, #reward, #consequences, #consequence, #result, #outcome, #logic, #reasoning, #laziness, #work ethic

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Boss: So don't let that happen again. Dilbert: It wasn't my fault and you know it. Boss: It's easier if we don't try to link performance and outcomes. Dilbert: I'll try. It was hard at first, but now I'm totally stress-free. Wally: I just got a 30% raise.

What It Is Like To Be A Robot With No Soul

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What It Is Like To Be A Robot With No Soul - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #consciousness, #sentient, #feelings, #emotion, #hurt, #vulnerability, #machine, #robot

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Asok: What is it like to have no consciousness. Robot: What is it like to be totally unimportant. Asok: Ouch. Robot: How do you like your consciousness now?

Dilbert Times His Nods

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Dilbert Times His Nods - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #honesty, #candor, #lying, #deception, #sales, #sales personnel, #ethics, #business

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Client: Why does your engineer keep nodding? Dilbert: I don't like to lie, so I just nod while he times his lies to my nods. You were totally right about them hating candor.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laziness, #work ethic, #excuse, #paradox, #logic

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Boss: How's the software coming along? Wally: We're in the Zeno's paradox phase of the project. Boss: The what? Wally: It means every step we take gets us halfway closer to launch. Boss: Can you keep up that pace? Wally: I'm hoping it will look that way. Boss: Is Zeno's paradox a real thing? Dilbert: You'll find out. Narrator: Next Week. Boss: How's your project? Wally: Halfway closer than last week.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #election, #voting, #technology, #fraud, #cheating, #vote, #Politics

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Boss: We won a contract to write software for voting machines. Dilbert: Who do you want to be president? Boss: Why do you ask? Dilbert: Because I want you to be happy. Boss: You're implying that you plan to fudge the system. Dilbert: I'm not implying anything like that. Obviously, it will be easy to fudge the data, and we are far happier when you're in a good mood. But I would never commit a crime just because it is good for ma and totally undetectable. Boss: Okay, good. Dilbert: So who do you want to win and by how much?

Intuitive Not Worthless

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Intuitive Not Worthless - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #managers, #obliviousness, #jobs, #knowledge, #understanding

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Boss: I'm not an engineer, so I don't know if you're doing the right things or not. And I can't watch you work, so I don't know if you're putting in any effort. Dilbert: That means you're totally worthless. Boss: I was going to say intuitive.