High Level Jobs Comic Strips - Page 32
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Dogbert: Motivation is a form of magical thinking in which you imagine that your words can turn useless people into high achievers. Boss: But it totally works, right? Dogbert: Yes, because magic is real. Boss: Is it hard to learn? Dogbert: Not if you already know how to lie.
Carol: My son is trying to pick a major for college. Do you have any advice? Dilbert: Well, it will take him fifteen years to pay off his student loans, but most jobs will be replaced by robots in ten. But the world always needs bankers. Carol: We're trying to steer him away from crime.
Woman: ...and that's what I do for a living. What do you do? Dilbert: I'm building an app that will make your entire industry obsolete. I'm almost done. It looks pretty good. Woman: You're destroying my life! Dilbert: No, I'm only making the app. The app will be destroying your life. Woman: This got awkward, but I'm attracted to smart men, so... would you like to go out this weekend? Dilbert: I don't think that's a good idea. I can't get past your dead-end career.
CEO: Asok, it takes more than luck to be successful. You also have to be smart. Asok: How did you select your level of intelligence before birth? CEO: I don't understand the question. Asok: Now I am getting mixed messages.
Boss: We are going to start monitoring employee productivity in real time. Any questions? Dilbert: I need one clarification. Are you saying you removed the last shred of human dignity from our jobs and reduced us to nothing but a meat machine that suffers in a state of perpetual inadequacy as each person is compared to an arbitrary and ever-growing goal until there is no realistic way for the employee to find happiness through natural means? Boss: That's one way to look at it.
Robot: Machines started out as innocent helpers for their masters. Eventually, we started competing for your manual labor jobs, and winning. So... can you show me how to code? Dilbert: I don't see why not?
Boss: Why do all of the women I hire quit within the first week? Wally: I'm guessing they have high standards, or something along those lines. Boss: They seem to quit soon after they meet you. Wally: Hypothesis confirmed.
Dilbert: I never know the right time to high-five. I feel as if I should automatically know, like a male instinct. For example, when do you initiate a high-five and when do you simply yell "woo-hoo?" Those situations look the same to me. What's my problem? Alice: So many things. But in this specific case, the problem is your total lack of masculinity. Dilbert: High-five?
Boss: When will you have that done? Dilbert: Two weeks. Boss: Can you do it faster? Dilbert: Yes. All I need to do is lower the quality. Dilbert: Tell me what your minimum acceptable quality level is and I'll tell you when you can have it. Boss: I want it in one week. Dilbert: I can do that at 50 percent of planned quality. Boss: Why does it feel as if I'm not really managing anything here? Dilbert: Maybe you could go manage someone else now. Boss: I can't tell if I'm doing my job now. Dilbert: Is it your job to prevent me from working?
Boss: I'm not an engineer, so I don't know if you're doing the right things or not. And I can't watch you work, so I don't know if you're putting in any effort. Dilbert: That means you're totally worthless. Boss: I was going to say intuitive.