Printer Paper Comic Strips - Page 32
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Dilbert installs a stove while Dogbert watches. Dilbert says, "I'm installing a paper-burning stove to lower our heating bills." Dilbert says, "I'll fuel it with all the useless documents I get at work." At the office, the Boss sees Dilbert carrying a stack of papers and asks, "I've been noticing how much stuff you take home. You must love your work." Dilbert replies, "It gives me a warm feeling."
The Boss stands next to an overhead projector. He points to the diagram on the screen and says, "We're taking away your individual cubicles. In the new system, you'll sign up for whatever cube is open that day." Sally and Wally are seated at a conference table. The Boss continues, "It's based on the model of public restrooms. But I call it 'Hoteling' because it increases my chances of getting tips." The Boss approaches Dilbert with a roll of note paper that looks like toilet paper and says, "Each cubicle will have a computer, a chair, and a roll of note paper . . . Take one and pass it around."
Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk. Reading a report, the Boss says, "Change these dates . . . and add six more meetings and use the phrase 'customer focus.'" Dilbert looks down at the desk where a tiny figure has appeared. Dilbert says, "Uh-Oh . . . your micro-management has caused my ego to manifest itself and beg for survival." The tiny figure says, "I'm shrinking!" The Boss splats the tiny figure with a fly swatter and says to Dilbert, "Run and get me some paper towels . . . five of them . . . from the men's room."
Wally hands a piece of paper to Dilbert and says, "Be at the 'United Charity' kickoff tomorrow." While Dilbert reads the paper Wally says, "I hired a headless man to be our inspirational speaker." Wally, Sally and the Boss are seated and a headless man stands in front of them with a microphone, making a speech. The headless man says, ". . . and that's how 'United Charity' game me back my dignity. Any questions?" The Boss raises his hand and asks, "How do you show up on a headcount report?"
Wally stands in front of Dilbert who is seated at his desk. Wally is reading a piece of paper and says to Dilbert, "Your contributions to 'United Charity' are below average for your pay level." Dilbert says, "Actually, I donate ten percent of my income and thousands of hours to local groups not on your approved list." Wally writes on the sheet, ". . . Not a team player." Dilbert says, "I fund an agency that keeps people like you away from society."
The caption says, "Dogbert teaches business math." Dogbert points to a diagram of an equation. A picture of Wally, Dilbert and Alice illustrates the equation, "Grunts equals zero." The caption says, "#1. Any job that can be done by two people . . ." The Boss stands behind two people. The caption continues, ". . . Can be done by one person for half the cost." The Boss yanks one of the workers out of his chair. The caption says, "#2. A bonus today is worth more than . . ." The Boss holds a large bag of money. The caption continues, ". . . The whole company tomorrow." An office building has a closed sign on it. The caption says, "#3. Your expense requirements for December can be calculated . . ." The Boss sits at his desk writing on a piece of paper. The caption continues, ". . . By taking what's left in the budget and multiplying by one." A delivery person asks the Boss, "Giraffe goes where?" Dogbert says, "Next week, a doctor with a flashlight shows us where sales projections come from."
The Boss, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We're changing the salary plan to make a bigger portion depend on the success of the team." The Boss continues, "We reason that if your pay depends on the success of co-workers, then your priorities will change." Wally and Dilbert look at each other. Wally and Dilbert stand by the printer. Wally looks at a document and says, "Now THAT'S a pretty resume!" Dilbert says, "Stop hogging the good printer."
The Boss, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I came up with a new name for our group." The Boss continues, "From now on we're the 'Engineering Science Research Technology Systems Information Quality and Excellence Center.'" Wally says, "You should throw 'efficiency' in there too." The Boss holds up a long piece of paper and says, "I designed the business cards myself."
"It has come to my attention that you used the fax for personal business." "I sent the fax during lunch. It was a local call." "You're using up all of our fax paper." "No, I sent a fax. The paper doesn't travel through the phone lines." "It doesn't?" "You used the company's electricity." "I had a friend fax us a wad of extra electricity." "I'm using it right now to power my pc." "Did you get any extra electricity? My pc is out." "Press the button on the back and I'll fax you some."
"Copy Room" "Stop right there!" "It's Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light." "What's in your hands?" "I'm just borrowing some paper for the laser printer. There's no law against that!" "I think we both know that the copier paper and the printer paper are purchased and tracked separately." "You've made a mockery of the system! I darn you to heck!" "Your punishment is to sit at the secretary's cubicle and endure the stale wit of your co-workers." "Hey, Wendy, there's something different about you today!"