2020 Comic Strips - Page 32

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Pragmatist

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Pragmatist - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, plans, office workers, stupid, pragmatist, practical, implement, technology

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asok: i'm a pragmatist. i like plans that are practical. wally: not me. i like plans that can't be implemented. way less work. asok: my way sounds stupid now.

Work Harder Than Others

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Work Harder Than Others - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags motivation, business, employees, managers, work, success

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boss: the only way to succeed in this company is by working harder than everyone else. alice: wouldn't that mean only one person in the company can be successful? boss: i might need to rethink my motivational messages. dilbert: maybe save those for your dumber employees.

Reading Faces

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Reading Faces - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, meeting, corrupt, communists, technology, proposal, reading faces

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co-worker: i can't support this project because you're all a bunch of corrupt, godless communists. dilbert: just out of curiosity, where did you get your education? co-worker: i learned everything i need to know on social media. dilbert: how does that help you evaluate a technical proposal? co-worker: it's simple. i take one look at all of your faces, and i know everything i need to know. co-worker looking at wally: i mean, look at this guy's face. he's obviously a grifter. wally: lucky guess. co-worker looking at alice: this one obviously has anger issues. dilbert: i demand a larger sample size! co-worker: whatever geek face.

Self Actualization

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Self Actualization - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags employees, managers & supervisors, business, work, talk, listen, self-actualized

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dilbert: i work every day, and yet i am not feeling completely self-actualized. boss: what's that mean? dilbert: i don't know. it's something i heard. boss: why are we even talking about it? dilbert: because the more i talk, the less i have to listen to you.

Expecting Excellence

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 Expecting Excellence - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, technology, happiness, expectations, coffee, dysfunction, excellence

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wally: asok, he key to happiness is lowering your expectations. for example, all i expect from work today is twelve cups of coffee and a humorous display of corporate dysfunction. asok: that sounds sad. wally: try expecting excellence and see how that works for you.

What Is The Bra

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 What Is The Bra - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags office workers, business, risk, assessment, mock, teamwork, acronym

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office worker: what's the b.r.a. on that? dilbert: jus? office worker: you look dumb in front of everyone for not knowing b.r.a. stands for business risk assessment. we'll probably mock you behind your back. dilbert talking to the boss: i don't think your teamwork exercises are working.

Alice And Blockchain

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 Alice And Blockchain - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, technology, project, learn, skills

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alice: i'd like to help on the blockchain project to build my skills in that area. boss: i don't like it when people learn new things. alice: i don't know what to say to that. boss: oh, good. it worked.

Wally Not Working

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 Wally Not Working - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, employment, managers & supervisors, office workers, technology, work ethic, micro-managing

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boss: you don't seem to be working. wally: i don't want to start something new because it's almost the end of my work day. boss: it's ten o'clock in the morning. wally: and here comes the micro-managing.

Buy An Adapter

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Buy An Adapter - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags sarcasm, stupidity, technology, Dilbert, business, network, adapter

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dilbert: the hardware you ordered is not compatible with our network. boss: just buy an adapter. dilbert: i don't think anyone makes an adapter that can fix stupidity.

Finding Qualified Engineers

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Finding Qualified Engineers - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, interview, questions, job market, engineers, baker, mortuary, assistant

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interview boss: it's hard to find qualified engineers in this job market, so i'm casting a wider net. it says here you have experience as a mortuary assistant and baker. that's not exactly like being an engineer, but i want to stay open-minded. tell me about a time you had to deal with failure and what you did about it. interviewee: well, one time i totally botched an embalming. so i used a chainsaw to reduce the corpse to flushable parts. i told the family he came back to life and ran away. boss: okay. and why did you become a baker? interviewee: so i cold eat my mistakes.