2003 Comic Strips - Page 33

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags strategy meetng, value input, administrative assistant, global domination, engineers, gocce filters, popcorn bags, pantyhouse, foot on pantyhose, coffeee filter

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The Boss approaches Carol and says, "Carol, come to my strategy meeting." The Boss continues, "You're only a secretary, but I value your input." Carol exclaims, "I'm an administrative assistant!!!" As they're walking to the meeting, Carol thinks, "Chimp." The Boss thinks, "Bad secretary." The Boss addresses the meeting, "Does anyone have any strategic ideas for global domination?" Carol responds, "The engineers keep using our coffee filters as popcorn bags. That has to stop." Alice stands and yells, "If you ordered enough filters, I would need to use the foot of my pantyhose to make coffee every day!" As they're walking out of the meeting, Wally says to Dilbert, "I'm adding that to the list of things I don't want to think about."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags abuse, audio menu system, freezing, love problem, low level technician, same questions, too much optimism, waited in que, tech support

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Dogbert is sitting at a computer. He says into a telephone headset, "This is Dogbert's Tech Support. How may I abuse you?" The customer on the other end of the line responds, "Finally!! It took me an hour to penetrate your inscrutable audio menu system!" The customer continues, "Then I waited in queue for forty minutes!" The customer says, "My problem is that my computer keeps freezing..." Dogbert's voice interrupts him, "Not so fast." Dogbert says, "I need to know your name, address, phone number, operating system, e-mail address, serial numbers, software versions and video drivers." The customer clenches his teeth and shakes his fist as Dogbert's voice continues, "Then I'll put you in queue for the low-level technician who can only tell you to reboot." Dogbert continues, "He'll ask you the same questions for reasons that will baffle you." The customer asks, "But eventually you'll solve my problem, right?" Dogbert's voice replies, "Sure, if your problem is too much optimism."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags eargarette, smoking breaks, downside, cigarette for ear, ear mint, 15 min break

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Dilbert is working with a device. He says to Dogbert, "I call my invention the 'Eargarette.'" Dilbert puts it behind his ear and says, "It's a cigarette for your ear!" Dilbert continues, "It allows non-smokers to take smoking breaks." Dogbert asks, "Is there any downside?" Dilbert responds, "What?" Dogbert says, "Never mind." Dilbert is in a meeting with The Boss and Wally. Dilbert says, "We've been working for fifteen minutes straight. I need an eargarette break." Dilbert and Wally are standing outside. Both have eargarettes in their ears. Dilbert asks, "What?" Wally replies, "What?" Dilbert asks again, "What?" Back in the meeting, Dilbert offers Wally, "Ear mint?" Wally replies, "Two, please."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags new faces, introductions, asok the intern, signed to everyone, conference room, upsetting introductions

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The Boss addresses a meeting, "I see some new faces, let's go around the table and introduce ourselves." Asok starts, "I'm Asok, the intern." Asok points to The Boss and says, "I report to you." Asok points to Alice and says, "But I also report to Alice on a dotted line." Asok points to Carol and says, "And I report to Carol, on a fuzzy, thin line." Asok continues, "I have a blinking, irregular line to Wally, and a wavy, brown line to Dilbert." Alice begs, "Please... make this stop." Asok continues, "And a disturbing, imaginary line to a food-service cashier who touched my hand while giving me change."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags new marketing strategy, past cutomers, flu symptoms, sick people, appeal to sick people, reinvent dead horse, duh- mensuon, floating scared darkness, confusing cause & effect

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The Boss addresses a meeting, "Jimmy will explain our new marketing strategy." Jimmy says, "A study of past customers shows that 96% of them have flu symptoms." Jimmy continues, "Apparently, sick people are the most likely to buy from us. We don't know why." Jimmy points to a slide of an ill man and says, "So we redesigned our ad campaign to appeal to sick people." Alice says to Jimmy, "You're confusing cause and effect. Your study shows that our products make people sick." Jimmy responds, "Alice, let's not reinvent a dead horse." Alice panics and says, "Suddenly nothing makes sense.. I must have slipped into the meeting duh-mension!" Alice leans back in a daze and says, "Floating.. Scared.. Darkness." The Boss says, "This usually lasts about 10 minutes."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags blue jeans, ceo tries average, chauffer, dressed as fox, drove tractor, fox hunt, helicopter, interns, ironic, real work, roll sleeve, like secretary

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The Boss addresses a meeting, "Our CEO will be joining us in a minute." The Boss continues, "As usual, he'll be making an awkward attempt to seem like 'just plain folk.'" The CEO enters. He points to the chair next to Wally and says, "Excuse me - is this ordinary chair available for an average guy like me?" The CEO rolls up his sleeves and says, "I'll roll up my sleeves and get to work. I'm not too good for real work." The CEO turns to Alice and says, "I have a secretary, but it's almost as if I work for her. Ha ha! It's ironic." The CEO says, "Last weekend I wore blue jeans and drove a tractor!" A driver approaches the CEO and says, "Sir, your helicopter is here to take you to your island fortress for the fox hunt." The CEO turns to the meeting and says, "Itty bitty fortress." The driver adds, "The interns are already in full fox costumes."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dismissal email foloowed, found pen, human resources, layoffs, mass email sent, missed bid deadline, not enough bandwidth, business

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Carol is sitting at her desk. She picks up a pen and thinks, "Who left their pen at my desk?" Carol continues to think, "I'd better send out a companywide e-mail to find out." A coworker responds to Carol's e-mail, "I can't believe you're wasting everyone's time with this!" Alice types, "Stop using the 'reply to all' feature you morons!" Carol looks down at the pen again and thinks, "Wait.. I think this might be my pen. I'd better send a correction." Dilbert sits across from the Boss. Dilbert says, "We missed a bid deadline because our e-mail system was overloaded." The Boss thinks, "Layoffs." The Boss hands Carol a piece of paper and says, "Send this list to Human Resources." Carol exclaims, "Do I look like I'm made of time?!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags hard day, meeting with ceo, billion dollar comapny, free stock, cash fow, revenue, disaster events, tragic evenets, slpping, fear induced meeting

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Dilbert: Im taking my business case too some venture capitalists. Im hoping that their wisdom and resources will make it a billion dollar company. Dilbert: Would you like some free stock? Dogbert: BAH! Dilbert: What would I do without the support of my loved one? CEO: What would the cash flow look like if.... ....Revenue was zero, microsoft and IBM entered the market , your factory burned down and a piano fell on your head? And what about civil unrest, lawsuits, natural disasters and locusts? Dilbert: ...Then the little one slapped me. Dogbert: Now RE_E_EL them in.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags script for meeting, script, twice a year, act one, scene two, admiration, leadership, employment, deliver line, eyes moist, sliced onion, morale

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The Boss hands Dilbert a piece of paper and says, "Here's your script for the meeting." Dilbert asks, "Script?" The Boss explains, "My boss sees me only twice a year. I want everything to go smoothly." Dilbert looks at the script and says, "In act one, scene two, when I proclaim my admiration for your leadership..." Dilbert continues, "What's my motivation?" The Boss replies, "Employment." Dilbert says, "Good, good." The Boss adds, "And it would help if your eyes were moist when you deliver the line." Dilbert points to his pocket and says, "I'll put a sliced onion in my shirt pocket." The Boss, The Boss' boss, and Dilbert are meeting. The Boss' boss says to Dilbert, "Hello, underling, how is your morale?" Dilbert is sobbing.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags customer diservice program, tech supprt, stretched telephone, cleansed online support, useful articles, support groups, train customers

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The Boss points to a slide of a man making a funny face and says, "We've expanded our customer disservice program." The Boss points to the next slide of a technician saying, "Uh.. reboot." The Boss continues, "...Doubled our unhelpful technical support advice." The next slide is of a customer leaning back with one hand on the phone and the other holding his stomach, saying, "So... hungry." The Boss continues, "... Stretched our telephone hold times to lethal durations..." Wally, Dilbert, and Alice listen as The Boss' voice continues, "... And cleansed our online support database of all useful articles." The Boss says, "Our goal is to force customers to form support groups." The Boss continues, "Over time, with luck, we'll train customers to do our manufacturing and shipping, too." Wally raises his hand and asks, "May I train a customer to do my job?" The Boss replies, "Sure." A little boy sits in front of a computer with a cup of coffee in his hand. He asks Wally, "So.. what do I do?" Wally responds, "You're doing it."