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Tags #new vp, #cost containment, #first priority, #reduce expenses, #office supplies, #supply cabinet locked, #butter efficient secreatray, #naive question, #dispirited hollow shells, #product shoddy, #get supplies, #like honesty
The Boss, Alice, Dilbert, Asok, Wally and an executive sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I'd like you all to meet our new vice president in charge of cost containment." The VP says, "My first priority is to reduce our spiraling expenses for office supplies." The VP continues, "From now on, your supply cabinet will be locked." The VP continues, "The only key will be under the control of your bitter and inefficient secretary. Questions?" Asok raises his hand and says, "I am only an intern so please excuse this naive question . . ." Asok continues, "I've noticed that the employees are all dispirited hollow shells, management is random and our products are shoddy." Asok asks, "How are you going to solve that by making it hard to get supplies?" The VP looks angry. Asok says to Wally, "I thought you said they like honesty." Wally whispers, "Ask how much he's paid. It shows you care."
A man sits across from Dogbert's desk. Dogbert reads from a document and says, "According to your occupational preference test, you like to remove vital organs from helpless people." Dogbert continues, "That narrows the career choices to doctor or serial killer. Do you get along with other people?" The man replies, "Other people are insignificant insects." Dogbert responds, "We'll have to go to a tie-breaker question."
Tags #electrical engineering, #engineering proposal, #engineers opinion, #major, #masters degree, #naked statues, #nickle, #scratch and sniff, #technology publications, #thundering moron, #art history
Dilbert and Dogbert stand in front of the Boss's desk. Dilbert says, "Dogbert would like to speak with you about the changes you made to my engineering proposal." Dilbert lifts Dogbert onto the desk. Dogbert says, "While Dilbert was getting his masters degree in electrical engineering . . ." Dogbert continues, "You were majoring in art history so you could look at pictures of naked statues." Dogbert continues, "Dilbert often contributes articles to technology publications." Dogbert continues, "You, on the other hand, rub those same publications with a nickel, looking for hidden 'scratch and sniff' panels." Dogbert says, "In summary . . ." Dogbert shouts, "Never question an engineer's opinion, you thundering moron!" Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a table. Dilbert says, "Nicely done, but I wouldn't have said 'thundering.'" Dogbert reads the proposal and says, "What were you drinking when you wrote this piece of crud?"
Dogbert sits on the couch backrest. Dilbert says, "I have an ethical question, Dogbert." Dogbert replies, "I'm here to help." Dilbert asks, "Is it better to give customers a low quality product in a timely fashion . . ." Dilbert continues, "Or is it better to lie about product availability until the bugs are fixed?" Dogbert snaps his paw and replies, "I will need my assistant, Ratbert, to address your ethical question." Ratbert stands next to Dogbert on the backrest. Dogbert says, "Let's say Ratbert is a trusting and innocent customer." Dogbert slaps Ratbert on the back and says, "Suppose somebody abuses his trust like this . . ." Ratbert falls between the couch cushions. Dilbert sits with his leg crossed under him and looks at Ratbert. Dilbert asks, "How does this relate to my situation?" Dogbert replies, "To be honest, I wasn't listening to you."
Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dilbert's mother offers him a cookie and says, "I'll never understand what you do for a living." Dilbert replies, "I told you I'm an engineer, Mom." Dilbert's mom says, "So you say, but you also say you spend all day in meetings. When do you do any engineering?" Dilbert replies, "Good point. Let's just say I'm what the experts call a 'knowledge worker.'" Dilbert's mother asks, "Which experts call it that?" Dilbert replies, "I don't know." Dilbert's mom asks, "What's the name of the product you're working on?" Dilbert responds, "I don't know what the acronym stands for . . ." Mom asks, "What kind of market penetration and return on investment do you expect?" Dilbert says, "Um . . . I don't know . . ." Dilbert's mom says, "Oh, dear . . . Well, I'm sure you're very punctual." Dilbert shouts, "Ask me another question!! C'mon . . ." Dogbert asks, "Why do they call you a 'KNOWLEDGE worker'?"
Dogbert says to Bob the Dinosaur, "I heard you were doing some baby-sitting, Bob." Bob responds, "Yeah! I did the Morton triplets last night." Bob says, "It's not easy to juggle three screaming toddlers." Dogbert says, "When you say 'juggle' . . ." Dilbert hands Bob the phone and says, "It's the Mortons with a question about their ceiling fan."
Wally sits at his desk and tells Dilbert, "I got one of those '900' phone numbers. I make money every time somebody calls for my valuable advice." Wally's telephone rings several times. Dilbert asks, "Do you ever answer it?" Wally replies, "Voice mail . . . Get with the nineties."
Alice sits at a conference table typing on a laptop. An older man with a beard sits next to her. The man says, "I used to write programs using punch cards . . . But I'd rather be fishing . . ." Alice grabs the man by his suspenders and shouts, "Look, you bearded road apple, if you answer one more of my questions with an irrelevant story I'll snap you into next week!!" The caption says, "Sometime next week . . ." Dilbert and Wally see a hole in the air with a man's legs hanging out of it. Wally says, "Looks like a hole in the space-time continuum." Dilbert asks, "Did you hear a snap?"
Dilbert wears a suit and holds a briefcase. He says, "Wish me luck, Dogbert." Dogbert asks, "If you get more luck, wouldn't there be less luck available for me?" A woman at a desk looks at Dilbert's application and says, "For 'desired salary' you wrote 'one million dollars.'" Dilbert says, "Yes, thanks for asking." The woman says, "Perhaps the question is misleading. The application should have asked what salary you EXPECT." Dilbert replies, "Oh . . . Well, I expect you'll hire somebody more qualified and my salary will remain unchanged." The woman says, "No, too honest. I'm looking for something CLOSE to reality, with maybe twenty-percent fantasy layered on top." Dilbert replies, "Okay . . . I'd like a fifteen-percent raise and a little shoulder massage." Back at home, Dilbert asks Dogbert, "Why does it seem that I'm the only honest guy on earth?" Dogbert replies, "Your type tends not to reproduce."
Dogbert sits on the armrest of a couch. Dilbert, with a phone in his hand, says, "I've been on hold for tech support since Tuesday. Get Bob and meet me in the car." Dilbert is driving with Dogbert in the passenger seat. Bob the Dinosaur says from the back seat, "I can't wait to try my newest maneuver, the 'Turban Wedgie.'" Bob is holding the tech support person in the air. The tech support person has a turban on his head. Bob says to Dilbert, "It starts like a regular wedgie then I wrap it around his head." Dilbert says, "Question . . ."