Alice: The motivational speaker you hired was great!!! We all decided to quit out jobs and become motivational speakers. Boss: He was supposed to make you work harder here. Alice: You wanted him to motivate us to be dumb?
Carol: I'm writing a horror novel. It's about a horned monster who puts people in boxes and makes them do meaningless work while insulting them. Boss: That sounds great. Carol: The monster is also very dumb.
Wally: I have an idea on how to fix our process.
Alice: I've noticed that all of your ideas make everyone but you work harder.
Wally: Apparently, we have different criteria for what makes an idea great.
Wally: I have a great idea for you.
Carol: Keep it to yourself. Your ideas are always insults masquerading as helpfulness.
Wally: You seem cranky. Have you considered riding a bike to work?
Carol: Die, monster!
The Boss: My new system of using "radical candor," is working out great. I've been criticizing people all morning and only three of them went into therapy over it. Now I turn my candor to you.
Carol: Die, monster!
Dilbert: After spending three great days in virtual reality, I accidentally trained myself to hate actual reality.
Wally: What if this reality is actually another virtual reality, and you're really in a hospital bed somewhere?
Dilbert: What kind of designer would make a reality with you in it?
Wally: A lazy one.
The Boss: I need someone to run some test scripts on the new software.
Dilbert: I can do that my project is on hold until the new hardware arrives.
The Boss: Great, I'll need you to run the same tests on every version until final release.
Dilbert: Um... I was only volunteering to do it once it isn't my job to do all the testing.
The Boss: Too late. You're the test script guy now.
Dilbert: You're adding an entirely new job to my existing job!
The Boss: Don't you want to be a team player?
Dilbert: Of course I do.
The Boss: Good. I just put you on the losing team.
Man: This was a great meeting. Are there any questions?
Dilbert: I didn't understand any of the jargon you used for the past hour, so I have no idea what this meeting was about.
Man: Why didn't you say something sooner?
Dilbert: That's a good strategy for people who have hope.
Man: Wow, that's a great idea. Let's just do that! LOL!
Dilbert: I've noticed that you are nothing but an empty vessel for transporting sarcasm.
Man: Oooh! I'm such an empty vessel! LOL!
Dilbert: I don't know what to do with all of this.
Tina: You should meet the new guy in marketing. You two would get along great. I'll set up a lunch.
Dilbert: Why?
Tina: Because he reminds me of you.
Dilbert:That isn't a reason.
Tina: Okay, he is free tomorrow for lunch. I'll tell him to meet you in the lobby.
Dilbert: I still don't see why the three of us need to go to lunch.
Tina: It's just the two of you. I'm busy tomorrow.
Man: I hear you're a lot like me.
Dilbert: Sadly, yes.
