Love And Support Comic Strips - Page 34
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Dilbert says, "Customers can't figure out our user interface. the boss says, "They should read the manual." Dilbert says, "Our manual is more confusing than our user interface." The boss says, "They can use our onine support database." Dilbert says, "That's more confusing than our manual." The boss says, "We have no money to fix any of that." The boss says, "In situations like this, I like to go to my special place" The boss says, "Someday I hope to have a special place big enough for my entire body." the boss says, "Problem solved."
The boss says, "Did you see my suggestions for your presentation?" Dilbert says, "Yes, I rejected them." The boss says, "They aren't optional." Dilbert says, "Then why do you call them suggestions?" The boss says, "Sometimes I call things the wrong names to improve morale." DIlbert says, "You should just say what you're thinking. I can handle the truth." The boss says, "FIne. Make all of the changes I want, you ignorant hump." The boss says, "And do it now while I mock you with sleep noises." The boss says, "Baaaa! Baaaa! Baaaa!" Dilbert says, "Maybe your first way was better." The boss says, "No one will ever love you!"
The Boss says, "I invited silent Gary to help us decide on a technology direction." The Boss says, "We think he's a genius because he has a beard and he never speaks." The Boss says, "Gary, do you think we should use open source software for our support platform?" The Boss says, "Here it comes. He's rubbing his beard and giving me creepy eye contact." THe Boss says, "I detect a slight hint of disgust. It means Gary hates the idea! The Boss says, "Yes, it's all so obvious now. This is the worst idea in the history of mankind." The Boss says, "THe meeting is over. Silent Gary has spoken." Dilbert says, "You're actually a moron, aren't you?" Gary says, "Don't ruin this for me."
Dilbert says, "?And of course we'll assess our progress along the way." Coworker says, "Will you be using an enhanced assessment methodology?" Coworker says, "I hope that means something. All I did was string together some words I heard in the hallway." Dilbert says, "Um... I'll be assessing... by measuring... and um..." The Boss says, "I better get in on this." The Boss says, "I can't support this project until I see your advanced assessment methodology plan." Dilbert says, "I'll have it in ten minutes, assuming you don't now what it's supposed to look like." The Boss says, "Very good." Dilbert says, "I'll be in the shower trying to wash my soul."
Dilbert: When do you expect to come out with a new model? Vendor: In about two months. Dilbert: I'll wait and buy the new model. Vendor: Did I say two months? I meant never. Dilbert: Never? That must mean your company is going out of business and won't support this product. Vendor: What's a length of time between two months and never that would cause you to buy now?" Dilbert: One year. Vendor: Our new model comes out in a year. Dilbert: I'll wait until then. Vendor: You're the worst customer ever."
Catbert: "According to our employee brain monitor, you have not been thinking about work." "All of your brain activity is in the zones that control love of coffee, digestive functions and...uh-oh." "I'M BLIND!!!" Wally: "Oh, that one."
"My project has been infected by attractive people." "As you know, attractive people are unproductive." "The problem is compounded when you put several of them in the same room." "They've already started to pair off." "I've got four love triangles and six divorces." "All of my status reports say, and I quote, 'Dude, I can't concentrate now.'" "My plan is to replace each attractive person with something like this, or this." "He thinks I'm productive."
First Date "Do you feel like doing some conversation?" "Okay. I love talking." "Do you like politics?" "No." "Science and technology?" "Not really." "War?" "No." "Sports?" "No." "Current events?" "No." "What's left?" "I like to talk about my hair." "Um...okay, we can try that." "This brown is a browner brown than I wanted." "Right. Are we done with hair?"
"My accomplishement this month was opening a file that someone e-mailed." "That took an entire month?" "It wasn't that easy. I didn't have the right software to open the file." "I tried to download the viewer from the Internet but the Web site didn't support my browser." "And I couldn't upgrade my browser until I updated my operating system!" "That required me to upgrade all of my software, too." "My hard disk got maxed out, so I had to upgrade my computer and transfer all of the files." "So, then you got to view the file?" "Yeah...It was a funny one about a cat."
"I need Tuesday off because my son is having his tonsils removed." "Since when do you know how to remove tonsils?" "Um...I won't be performing the surgery myself." "Do you have a rare blood type that you need to donate?" "No. Actually, I was planning on sitting in the waiting room to give him moral support." "So your kid is immoral and sick? He sounds like a real winner." "What I mean is that I plan to have a cold on Tuesday." "Well, I can see where your kid gets it from."