2010 Comic Strips - Page 36
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Dilbert: Hi my name is... woman: Dont bother My app does facial recognition and searches all social media to give me your full biography. Dilbert: hows that working out? You're either Bart Simpson or a huge dry erase marker.
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Dilbert says, "Maybe it's not a good idea to eat a noisy bag of chips next to a speaker-phone." Dilbert says, "Uh-oh. My common sense has wounded your ego and made you defiant." Asok says, "Did you really think he would stop?" Dilbert says, "No. I hate the guy who was on the speaker-phone."
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The Boss says, "I want all of you to feel empowered on this project." Dilbert says, "You forgot to get our buy- in before you empowered us." The Boss says, "I'll get your buy-in later." Wally says, "It's far too late for that." Wally says, "I'm going to use my empowerment to destroy this poorly conceived project from the inside!" The Boss says, "Don't do that!" Dilbert says, "So... now you're saying we're not empowered to do what we think is best?" Alice says, "Can we go back to our old system where we're afraid to make decisions and you're never available?" Alice says, "Your eyes say, 'Yes.'"
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Dilbert says, "We've had reports of 'meeting pirates,' taking over agendas and pillaging credit." Pirate says, "Yaaarg!!! I take yer document, and leave ye scurvy rats adrift!" Pirate says, "And then I invented server virtualization. Yaaarg!" The Boss says, "Wow! That was a good idea."
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wally, can you attend my meeting friday? wally: Im very busy, but I'll meet you half way, what does that mean in this context? wally: they say half of life is just showing up. so...you will be .... wally: Doing the other half.
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Alice says, "Excuse me. By my count, you've said the same thing 27 times, using different words." Alice says, "If I can get sworn statements from everyone here that we understand your point, will you stop talking?" Man says, "That's mighty rude of you." Alice says, "I dont' get your point. Can you repeat it 26 more times?"
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Old man: I know what Im talking about. I have thirty years in this industry! Asok: How does that help you understand technology that is six months old in a youth oriented culture? Old man: GRRR... ASOK: Please don't hit me with your modem.
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Dogbert says, "I've decided to escalate my anti-social behavior from not listening, to actively talking over other people." Dilbert says, "How can you enjoy the conversation of others if you don't listen?" Dogbert says, "This could be one of the best ideas I've ever had." Dogbert says, "It all came together when I realized that listening isn't the fun part."
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Dilbert says, "Are you ready to do mental gifting?" Dogbert says, "You go first." Dilbert says, "I imagine giving you a sweater that doesn't fit." Dogbert says, "I imagine giving you a tool that you already have." Dilbert says, "Merry Christmas, Dogbert." Dogbert says, "Stupid sweater."
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Coworker says, "Did you read my long e-mail?" Dilbert says, "Not yet. What's it about?" Coworker says, "I can't say." Coworker says, "If I tell you what I wrote, the effort I put into writing the e-mail will be transformed into a waste of time." Dilbert says, "I just decided to delete your e-mail before reading it. Therefore it is already wasted." Dilbert says, "You are now free to tell me its contents without reducing your productivity." Coworker says, "Oh. Okay." Coworker says, "It was something about improving communication. But I worded it better." Coworker says, "Maybe you should read it." Dilbert says, "Maybe you should."