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Dilbert asks a man, "What happened to your head, Dave?" Dave replies, "I'm cutting my own hair now." Dave's hair is unevenly cut and shaved in places. Dave continues, "I'm not too far along the old learning curve, but at least I'm saving money." Dilbert asks, "How much did you save?" Dave replies, "Not counting the divorce and therapy?"
Dilbert sits across from the Boss's desk thinking, "I sit here motionless while the Boss reads my report." Dilbert thinks, "I can't talk while he's reading, and I don't have anything of my own to read . . ." The Boss reads the report and thinks, "I wonder how long I can make him sit there feeling uncomfortable?" Dilbert sings to himself, "A hundred bottles of beer on the wall."
Dogbert tells Dilbert, "I'm off to my new job as an MTV reporter." Dogbert holds a microphone and stands next to a man wearing gold chains and a cap. Dogbert asks, "Rap star Freshy Q, what is the key to your success?" Freshy Q replies, "Always be yourself. Don't follow the crowd. Be true to your instincts." Dogbert asks, "Did YOU invent rap?" Freshy Q replies, "Uh . . . No." Dogbert says, "Oh, but you probably pioneered this style of dressing." Freshy Q replies, "Not exactly." Dogbert says, "But you write all of your own music." Freshy Q says, "No . . . I buy it." Dogbert asks, "The dance steps?" Freshy Q replies, "I hire a choreographer." Dogbert says, "Well, I'll bet nobody else folds his arms quite like you." Freshy Q says, "I don't like the direction this is heading."
Dogbert sits at a desk under a sign that says, "Tax Preparation $5.00." A man enters the office and says, "I need some help . . ." Dogbert says, "Sit down." The man says, "I always fooled around during math classes. Now I can't do my own taxes." Dogbert looks at the form and says, "We can prattle about your inadequacies later." Dogbert says as he fills out the form, "I'll do your taxes and talk at the same time so you really feel dumb." Dogbert continues, "Hmm . . . Simply multiply the standard deviation of the cosine of your depreciation and integrate the resulting polynomial . . . There." Dogbert continues, "According to this, you owe your tax preparer an additional two thousand dollars." A pile of money sits on Dogbert's desk. Dogbert says to the reader, "Confusion - it works for the IRS and it can work for you."
Dilbert sits in his chair reading the newspaper and Dogbert stands on the hassock. Dogbert says, "I'm going to host my own television show." Dogbert continues, "It's called 'Dogbert's World of Amazingly Ignorant People.'" Dogbert continues, "Of course, I'll film you in shadows and alter your voice electronically." Dilbert replies, "That's very considerate."
Tags #Dogbert, #Entertainment, #thanks, #babysit, #doggie bert, #bret, #impressionable, #years, #innocent, #adult, #nonsense, #parents, #space, #aliens, #eat, #slaughter, #house, #kindergarten, #change, #probably
A man and woman say to Dogbert, "Thanks for agreeing to baby-sit, Dogbert." Dogbert says, "No sweat." A baby says, "Doggie-Bert!" Dogbert says, "Sit down, Bret." Dogbert and the infant sit on the floor. Dogbert says, "You're in your most innocent and impressionable years." Dogbert continues, "As an adult, it is my duty to fill your sponge-like brain with incredible nonsense for my own entertainment." Dogbert continues, "Your parents are really space aliens." The baby looks frightened. Dogbert continues, "They're just fattening you up so they can eat you!" Dogbert continues, "The slaughterhouse is a place they call kindergarten!!" The father hands Dogbert his money and says, "Thanks, Dogbert. Did you change him?" Dogbert replies, "Probably."
Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and asks, "What did you mean when you said all employees are empowered?" Dilbert continues, "Does that mean I can control my own budget, make decisions without twelve levels of approval, and take calculated risks on my own?" The Boss replies, "No, it's just a way to blame employees for not doing the things we tell them not to do." Dilbert hangs his head and says, "No wonder you needed a new word."
The Boss says to Dilbert, Wally and another employee, "From now on, all employees are empowered to make their own decisions." The Boss continues, "Empowerment is the concept of the nineties. You'll be happier and more productive." Wally says, "You're fired, Dilbert." Dilbert replies, "No, YOU are!" The woman says, "I'll never work hard again!"
Dilbert says to Dogbert, "You've got to step down as King of Elbonia. These people are capable of making their own decisions." An Elbonian says, "The Paper-Rock-Scissors Olympics are canceled. We couldn't agree on the rules." The Elbonian continues, "And of course, we all wear mittens . . ." Dogbert asks Dilbert, "What was your point?"
Dogbert stands in front of a flying saucer and thinks, "It is my destiny to conquer Elbonia using Dilbert's hover-saucer invention." Dogbert climbs into the saucer thinking, "I feel intoxicated with power and blinded by my own ambition." Dogbert sits in the driver's seat thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't drive while under the influence of metaphors."