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The Boss says, "Dilbert, I want you to develop a procedure for creating policies." Dilbert says, "Do we have a policy on how to develop procedures?" The Boss says, "I think someone wrote a white paper on that." Dilbert says, "What's the procedure for finding white papers?" The Boss says, "Maybe you could ask around." Later that night Woman says, "So, what do you do?" Dilbert says, "I ask around to see if anyone knows about a white paper that talks about a policy for developing procedures to create policies." Dilbert thinks, "You find that sexy." Woman says, "Stop doing the Jedi mind trick!"
Wally says, "We find you interesting." The boss says, "You do?" Wally says, "Oh, yes. Every little thing you do is interesting." The Boss says, "I didn't know that." Wally says, "Hey, I just had an idea." Wally says, "Maybe you should use twitter to leave us little messages about all of your days activities." Dilbert says, "It would make us feel connected to our leader. And dare I say, more motivated." The Boss says, "Well, gosh. I suppose I could try it." Wally says, "I already feel an improvement in my quality of life." Wally says, "Where's idiot boy now?" Dilbert says, "In the parking lot. No need to look busy yet."
Dogbert says, "It feels good when you volunteer to help others." Dogbert says, "that's why I talked some poor Elbonians into mowing our lawn for free. I want them to feel the joy of giving." Elbonian says, "All I'm feeling is tired." Elbonian says, "Try doing it faster."
the Boss says, "Dilbert, I need you to take care of?um?" The Boss says, "?.Whatever is on the top of my pile." Dilbert says, "This is a job for marketing. Not engineering." The Boss says, "Give it to the director of marketing and ask him to assign it to someone." Dilbert says, "So...you're delegating to me to pass this off to someone else, who will delegate it to someone else." Dilbert says, "With each handoff, the sense of urgency will diminish until the likelihood of completion approaches zero." Dilbert says, "You could save the company money by crumpling up this document and throwing it away right now." The boss says, "This feels wrong." Dilbert says, "Try using more wrist."
Dilbert says, "My insolence safety zone has expanded." The boss says, "Your what?" Dilbert says, "It's a measure of how rude I can be without fear of consequences." Dilbert says, "You have no budget to give me a raise, so I have no potential gain from acting professionally." Dilbert says, "And it would be inconvinient for you to fire a highly experienced engineer and try to bring a new one up to speed." Dilbert says, "So from now on, when you ask me to do something stupid, which is most of the time..." Dilbert says, "I'll roll my eyes, make a dismissive grunt and do this dance." Phhhht! Dilbert says, "Hey walla-walla walla! Boopita boopita boopita!" Dilbert says, "You finally raised my morale. Good work on that."
Wally says, "If I don?t do what you ask me to do, it?s because my hearing aid fell in the toilet." The Boss says, "I didn't know you had a hearing problem." Wally says, "EH? WHAT? EH?" Wally says, "You could try e-mailing me, but I have my spam filter cranked up to "Taliban"."
Woman says, "Please order a new stapler for me," Carol says, "Did your old one break?" Woman says, "Only in spirit." Woman says, "Every person who came into my cubivle picked it up and fiddled with it," Woman says, "At first I would wipe off the cooties and try to forget." Woman says, "In time my stapler became imbued with sorrow and desperation of every dead-ender that fondled it." Woman says, "I covered it with a plastic bowl and taped it to the desk so no fumes can escape." Wally says, "If you're wondering why your chair is warm, it's because I borrowed it for a meeting." Woman says, "What's the biggest bowl you can order?"
The Boss says, "Asok, my security clearance was accidentally canceled. I need your help." Asok says, "Maybe you could live in the ductwork, and forage for stale donuts after dark." The Boss says, "How can I fit in there?" Asok says, "Try foraging as effectively as you manage."
Henry says, "Try rebooting." Dilbert says, "Who are you?" Henry says, "I'm Henry the security guard. I'm trying to evolve into a new career." Henry says, "I'm ignoring my real job while loudly giving technical advice to coworkers." Henry says, "Eventually, people will start to see me as a valuable technical resource. Promotions will follow." Dilbert says, "Do you know anything about technology besides 'try rebooting'?" The Boss says, "Henry, who let the hobo take a sponge bath in the lobby fountain?" Henry says, "Try rebooting! Try rebooting!" Dilbert says, "To fix a typo?"
The New VP The Boss says, "Don't worry that I wanted your job, or that you have no experience in this field." The Boss says, "I won't try to sabotage you. In fact, I'll send you my best engineer to bring you up to speed." Vice President says, "So... it's called 4G because it's G-G-G-Good." Wally says, "Something like that."