Eight Things Comic Strips - Page 39
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Boss: I can't promote you because you didn't have an impact on anything important. Dilbert: How can I have an impact on important things when you put me on unimportant projects? Boss: That sounds like an excuse. Dilbert: What's the difference between an excuse and a great reason? Boss: It depends who says it. Leaders have great reasons when things don't work out, but losers just have excuses. Dilbert: So... you can turn my excuses into great reasons by promoting me? Boss: No, because I can't promote you. Dilbert: That sounds like an excuse.
Boss: In a perfect world, how would you fix the problem? Dilbert: In a perfect world you would not exist, so I would do smart things instead of whatever you tell me to do next. So... what should I do next? Boss: Let's pie-chart this thing.
CEO: You have been doing dumb things on social media. I am going to toss our evil director of Human Resources in your direction and run away. I love a lot of things about being CEO, but I think I love delegating the most. Boss: Gaaaa!!!
Dilbert: This is not the deal we agreed on. Man: I forgot a few things on the first estimate, but you need them. Dilbert: I only picked you because you had the lowest price. Man: Yes, but not the vendor selection is done and it would be too much trouble for you to start over. It might even damage your career because you delayed the project. You could go to the second-highest bidder, but those guys would do the same thing to you. Dilbert: Gaaa!!! I have no choice! This is blackmail, not commerce! Man: We call it "sales." I'll need all the cash in your wallet, too.
Wally: I'm only passionate about doing things that are socially unacceptable. Should I follow my passion or should I continue being useless? It is totally up to you. Catbert: Try to find a middle ground. Wally: A mild interest in things that don't matter.
Dogbert: How's your novel coming along? Dilbert: I'm off to a slow start. All I did this week is stare at a blank screen and feel bad about my lack of talent. Dogbert: Maybe try writing something. Dilbert: I have to think that would make things worse.
Coworker: The reason we keep having conflicts is because of our personality types. You're an impulsive, dominant personality and I am more of a... Alice: Useless waste of space? Coworker: I was going to say I'm a reserved, introspective, people-pleaser. One personality type is not better than the another. We just see things differently. Alice: How do you explain the fact that I have never had a conflict with anyone who is competent. Coworker: Give me a minute to reflect on that. Alice: Let me know when you're done believing in magic.
Dilbert: Do you ever think it's weird that you get paid a hundred times more than me? I invented our core technology. All you did was interview better than a few other people who didn't invent anything. I'm not good at small talk. CEO: I would totally fire you if I could invent things.
Coworker: I'll give you the data tomorrow, Asok. Asok: Thanks, Brad! Urk! Suddenly, I know I will not get that data tomorrow. Dilbert: Why are you so freaked out? Asok: I... I... think I can see the future now. Somehow I know that Brad will not do what he says he will do. Dilbert: That's called "experience." It's the first step toward hating all people. Asok: How can I make it stop? Dilbert: I hear good things about death.