Convince Friends Comic Strips - Page 4
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Dogbert stands on a conference table next to a laptop and an overhead projector. He says to the Boss, Alice and Wally, "I've reduced your service costs by giving the technical-support group an unlisted phone number." Dogbert continues, "And a flaw in your product disables the customer's e-mail; they can't even write to you for help!" The Boss asks, "What if they ask a friend to e-mail us?" Alice responds, "People who use our product don't have friends." Wally asks, "Really? I use it."
Dilbert walks through the house thinking, "Where's Dogbert?" Dilbert sits on the couch and turns the television on with the remote control. He thinks, "Uh-oh." On a tv commercial, Dogbert sits at a desk wearing a sorcerer's hat. Dogbert asks, "Are you gullible? Do you spend money on stupid stuff?" Dogbert continues, "Call the 'Dogbert Gullible Friends Hotline' for help. Only four dollars per minute." On tv, a woman says into a telephone, "Hello, Dogbert. I bought an exercise machine and I'm still lazy." Dogbert says, "Please hold." The woman replies, "Okay." Dogbert says, "Call now, and I'll replace your old television with a new one that looks just like it, while you sleep!" Dogbert continues, "If you don't have a touch tone phone, stay on the line . . . Until you get one."
Wally sits across from Dogbert's desk and Dogbert sits on the desk. Dogbert says, "The company won't lay you off if enough people quit first." Dogbert continues, "Your best strategy is to convince your co-workers that their jobs are intolerable." Wally shines a flashlight on Asok and points a video camera at him. Wally says, "We do this for all the young employees, Asok. I'll capture the exact moment that your life force leaves your body."
Wally is sitting with his tray of food at a table in the company cafeteria. Dilbert is about to sit down. Wally says, "I'm thinking of growing a beard to disguise the fact that I have no chin." Alice joins Wally and Dilbert at the table. Wally continues, "Then I'll get some loose sweaters to disguise the fact that I have no waist." Alice says, "Maybe you should get a Sherlock Holmes outfit to disguise the fact that you have no clue." Wally says, "Perhaps some mannequins as friends."
During a staff meeting, The Boss says, "It has come to my attention that one of you has a social life." Wally says, "There must be some mistake." The Boss says, "We can't be successful until our social lives are worse than the industry average." He stands up and says, "Our competitors spend the nights in their cubicles. They eat from vending machines." The Boss walks behind Wally, Dilbert and Alice. He says, "Someone here has not shown the same level of competetive spirit." The Boss grabs Asok by the collar and says, "Someone had a social activity last night!" Asok cries, "I'm sorry! I thought they were friends... but they were only recruiting for a multi-level marketing network!!!" Dilbert says, "What were they selling?" Asok says, "Edible wax fruit. Brochure?"
Bob the dinosaur holds a typewriter and says, "Computers aren't for everyone. I love my trusty manual typewriter." Bob sit and types a letter. Bob thinks, "Ooops." Bob thinks, "I hope I can correct that before all my friends evlove into birds."
Catbert tells Asok: "Asok, it's against company policy to date a skeleton you found in a closet." Asok says: "We're just friends! I swear!" Catbert does not accept the explanation: "Eh! Eh!" Asok thinks while walking away: "It's just as well; I think I chipped a tooth."
Walking down the street, Ratbert thinks to himself "At all times I ask myself, what would Dogbert do?" Ratbert also thinks, "Then it doesn't matter that my brain is the size of a tiny dried peanut." Ratbert pauses on the sidewalk with arms crossed and goes on to think, "That thought would make Dogbert hungry."
Extremely angry, Alice approaches the sadist who sits at his computer. She rolls up her sleeves and says, "Okay,sadist, it's time to meet the fist of death. A note from the author forewarns his readers that nothing bad or violent happens to the sadist. The author's note reads: If you are the sort of person who is influenced by comic strips, I assure you nothing bad or violent happens next. Alice and the sadist discuss their differences and become lifelong friends. As Alice, Dilbert and Wally sit together eating lunch, Dilbert asks Alice "What was in that big bag I helped you drag to the dumpster?"