Doubling Rate Of Failure Comic Strips - Page 4

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View 31 - 40 results for doubling rate of failure comic strips. Discover the best "Doubling Rate Of Failure" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bailing on project, #ensure survival, #loser pill, #rejected by wally, #pill, #therapy, #therapist, #psychology

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Wally says to Dilbert, "I'm bailing out of your project; it has the scent of failure." As Wally walks away, he adds, "I will attach myself to a more successful host to ensure my survival." Dilbert is lying on a therapist's couch. He says, "Do you have a pill for someone who gets rejected by Wally?" The therapist replies, "A loser pill?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cost cutting, #job for a day, #dream of grave, #less motivating

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The Boss approaches Carol with another man. The Boss says, "Our department won the cost-cutting contest, so our CEO will do your job for a day." The CEO sits in Carol's cubicle and says, "I feel like a failure.. darkness fills my days... I dream of the grave." The CEO cries, "I'll never be loved again!!" The Boss says, "This is less motivating than I'd hoped."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #coffee rehab program, #blame location, #world headquaters, #recidivism rate

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The speaker greets Wally, "Wally, congratulations on finishing the coffee rehab program." A cab is waiting for Wally. The speaker says, "Our recidivism rate isn't too hot. Our critics blame our location." Wally's cab is parked in front of Starbucks World Headquarters. A voice from inside the building asks, "Who's swimming in our vat?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business card orders, #downsized, #3 per week, #possibility of leaving, #rates, #fees, #calculations

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Dilbert approaches Carol and asks, "How many business cards should I order?" Carol responds, "It depends." Carol continues, "I use a complex formula based on your burn rate and your likelihood of getting downsized." Dilbert says, "I use about three per week." Carol replies, "You'll need three cards."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #take risks, #employees afraid, #train them, #stitch goals, #punishing for failure, #raise morale, #stopped complaints

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Catbert: "According to this report, our employees are afraid to take risks." The Boss: "We can train them to take risks by giving them stretch goals and punishing them for failing!" Catbert: "We did that to raise morale." The Boss: "It stopped all the complaining, didn't it?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #repeat customer, #rate of recidivism, #focus on marketing, #learn from experience, #free knuckle tattoo, #nicknames for women, #free book, #criminals, #dumb

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The boss: "We only have a 10% repeat customer rate whereas prisons have a 70% rate of recidivism." "We need to focus our marketing on criminals because they don't learn from experience." "Order now and get a free knuckle tattoo plus our free book 1,001 nicknames for women."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #berating, #humilation, #importance of work, #making sound rate products, #motivate staff, #no prasie, #no raises, #threats belittling, #trophy wives

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The boss; I need help motivating the staff. Catbert: what have you already tried? The Boss: Threats, belittling, humiliation, empty promises, berating, slogans , posters and bullying. Catbert: hmmm...we can't praise them or they'd as for raises. Catbert: Maybe they can be motivated by the importance of their work. The boss: their work is making second rate products to sell to idiots so our executives can afford trophy wives. Catbert: have you tried yelling until your face turns purple? The boss> make three copies, please!!!! Carol: This is new.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #girlfriend, #two probelms, #looks, #personlaity, #extreme makeover, #fascinated by new person, #9 good tsories, #social liability, #relationships

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Dilbert: why can't I find a girlfriend? DOgbert: you have two problems: your looks and your personality. Dilbert: Hmm,two itsn't bad. I can fix my looks by getting and extreme makeover. Dogbert: you'll still need to improve M.T.T.S.F. Dilbert: What? Dogbert: mean time to story failure: Its a measure of ho long you can be fascinating to a new person. Dogbert: Ive been counting and you only ave nine good stories after you use them up youre a social liability. Dilbert: I saw a horse kick a woodchuck over a fence. Dogbert: still only nine.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #evil director, #expect raises, #bad ratings, #reflect poorly, #ability to motivate, #useless people, #feel bad

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources. Catbert: "Don't rate any employees "excellent" because then they'd deserve raises." "Don't give any bad ratings either because it would reflect poorly on your ability to hire and motivate people." The boss: "How will I make the useless people feel bad if I'm rating them "good"?" Catbert: "Try using this scowl."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #wrong budget, #no probelms, #unrealitic, #failure, #deceptive forecstas, #believe the lie, #deception, #optimism, #few hours, #perfect budget

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"This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever." "So?" "All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong." "Leaders do not plan for failure." "Do leaders make deceptive forecasts and later act shocked when things don't work out?" "No." "A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism. Observe." "GAAA!!! BELIEVE! BELIEVE!" "The swelling will go down in a few hours. Then we'll have a perfect budget." "What?"