Offer Candy Comic Strips - Page 4

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View 31 - 40 results for offer candy comic strips. Discover the best "Offer Candy" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #self service consulting, #strategy, #massive bills, #hoping to print

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Dogbert says to the Boss while standing atop his desk, "I now offer self-service consulting." Dogbert continues, "Write down your strategy and I'll send you massive bills." The Boss asks, "Do you have a card?" Dogbert replies, "I was hoping you'd print some for me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #brokerage firm, #discount, #lowest commissions, #customers, #keeping records

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Dogbert and Dilbert are sitting on a sofa. Dilbert is snacking on a bag of chips. Dogbert says, "I'm going to start up a discount brokerage firm." Dilbert chews as Dogbert says, "I'll offer my lowest commissions to customers who don't mind bad advice and verbal abuse." Dogbert says, "Did I mention that I won't be keeping any records?" Dilbert says, "You didn't need to."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dental plan, #golden handcuffs, #prickly panties, #retain best employess, #bowl of candy

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Catbert says to Wally, "We try to retain our best employees by giving them 'golden handcuffs.'" Catbert continues saying to Wally, "The rest of you will experience our other program, the one I call 'Prickly Panties.'" Wally, holding a large bowl, says to Dilbert, "Then he gave me a huge bowl of candy." Dilbert, pointing to his computer monitor, says, "Hey, they cut our dental plan again!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #new guy, #cheese, #parmesan cheese, #truck loads, #offer, #world o cheese exhibit, #weird obsession, #cheese obsession, #cheeseboy, #wally leather, #leather products

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The Boss enters Dilbert's cubicle with a new employee, The Too Helpful Guy. Dilbert and the Too Helpful Guy shake hands. The Too Helpful Guy asks, "Do you like cheese, Dilbert?" Dilbert answers, "Um...Yes, I guess so." The Boss leaves and Too Helpful Guy continues, "I'll send two truckloads of parmesan cheese to your house!" Dilbert replies, "Thanks...But I don't need that much cheese." Too Helpful Guy replies, "Message Received!" He continues, "I'll send you some bread and a fondue set too." The Too Helpful Guy holds out two slips of paper and Dilbert stares at them. The Too Helpful Guy says, "Here are two tickets to the World-O-Cheese exhibit in Wisconsin." The Too Helpful Guy continues, saying, "Your new nickname will be 'Cheeseboy' to reflect your weird obsession." Wally enters the cubicle and says to Too Helpful Guy, "Hi. I'm Wally." Too Helpful Guy holds out his hand and asks, "Wally, do you like leather products?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #downsized, #not one of them, #project cancelled, #wonder, #zombie, #offer to walk, #boos, #fired, #let go, #shock

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Dilbert is sitting in front of The Boss' desk. The Boss says, "Your project is cancelled. You'll be downsized in ninety days." The Boss continues, "Until then, feel free to wander around like a zombie." Dilbert walks past coworkers and thinks to himself, "I walk among them but I am not one of them."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #totally safe, #nuclear power plant, #elbonia, #slacve labor, #woo-hoo

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Dilbert says to Wally and Asok, "Our assignment is to design a totally safe nuclear power plant." Wally responds, "Let's put it in Elbonia. That seems safe to me." An Elbonian says to another, "Our offer of cheerful slave labor paid off!" The other responds, "Woo-Hoo!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #least expensive vendor, #requirements, #change mid project, #lowest bid, #fired later, #fired mid project, #outplacement service, #every sale

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Dilbert is meeting with a business associate. The business associate says, "We're the least expensive vendor unless your requirements change mid- project." Dilbert responds, "So... I'll get fired if I don't select the lowest bid, or I'll be fired later when the bills for change orders pour in." Dilbert says, "I prefer to be fired mid-project." The business associate replies, "We offer outplacement service with every sale."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #the master, #overworked, #carefree, #powerful secret, #volunteer, #many tasks, #complaints later, #gandhi that eats, #dont recall, #agree

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Wally is asleep in his cubicle. Asok enters and says, "Wally, I need advice from the master." Wally wakes up and says, "Huh?" Asok says, "How do you remain so carefree while everyone else seems so overworked?" Wally replies, "Asok, you are ready to learn my most powerful secret." Wally continues, "Always volunteer to do lots of tasks. That will make you appear very busy." Wally continues, "Later, when someone complains that you didn't do a task..." Wally continues, "Say you remember discussing the topic but you don't recall agreeing to do anything." Wally continues, "Offer a glimmer of hope that you might yet do the task if no one yells at you... Then repeat." Asok replies, "Wow." Asok walks away and thinks, "He's like a Gandhi that eats."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #performance review, #two jobs, #well, #attaboy, #no budget for raise, #cheapen

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Headline: Performance Review. The Boss says to Dilbert, "You did two jobs for a year and you did them well." The Boss continues, "I have no budget for raises, so all I can offer is an attaboy." The Boss continues, "The problem is: I don't want to cheapen the whole attaboy system."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #unpaid vacation, #managers approval, #downsize work, #over staffed, #hug slef, #selfishness, #corporate greed, #nasty corporate men

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Catbert and The Boss are meeting. Catbert says, "Let's offer employees unpaid vacation time, as long as their managers approve it." Catbert continues, "Then we'll downsize any work group that uses it, because it proves they're over-staffed." Catbert hugs himself and says, "Excuse me while I hug myself and purr." The Boss replies, "Take your time."