Don't Like Attitude Comic Strips - Page 4
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boss: we're losing market share to a company that has a remote workforce. dilbert: how can they be doing so well when the employees don't have someone like you looking over their shoulders every minute? boss: i know its baffling.
boss: we need to destroy our competition! dilbert: i don't approve of violence. boss: i didn't say anything about violence. dilbert: you said "destroy" them. i don't see how that could mean anything else. boss: it was just a figure of speech. dilbert waving arms: we're engineers! you can't use figurative speech with us. we take things literally. so, what exactly is it you want us to do with our competitors? boss: beat them! dilbert: with sticks?
boss: ted, i want your honest feedback on how i'm doing as your boss. ted: this feels like a trap. boss: not at all! i love constructive criticism! ted: i think you're almost perfect. boss yelling: almost?
wally: they said it couldn't be done. boss: but you did it? wally: no, it turns out they're usually right. boss: who are "they," and why am i just learning this? wally: you sound like me last week.
boss in board room: a trade publication ranked us dead last on their list of "best places to work." the review says, "employees say working there is like eating a barrel of dead squirrels." boss: could have been worse. dilbert: only for the squirrels.
boss: remember, asok, you don't find luck, you go out and make it. asok yelling and waving arms: i feel your wisdom rewiring my brain and turning me into a super-employee! boss: it usually doesn't work this fast. asok: please double my workload, you beautiful monster!
alice: you did a great job on your project ted. ted: thank you. alice: you are most welcome. ted: wait. why do i have a sense of dread and foreboding? it isn't like you to give out generous compliments. this feels like a trap. you're lulling me into a false sense of security. you plan to sabotage my career to make yourself look better by comparison. ted yelling: you monster! boss: what's this all about? alice thinking: that worked out.
dilbert: there's a new virus that kills everyone who doesn't have a beard and a tall, fuzzy hat. wally: what country would release a virus like that? elbonian man: i'm hearing bad things about luxembourg.
dogbert: i'm dogbert, doctor of the impossible. boss: does that mean you cure diseases that are believed to be impossible to cure? dogbert: no, that sounds boring. i prescribe treatments that are impossible to follow. when you fail you don't get better. you'll think it's your own fault. boss: how does that help anyone but you? dogbert: hey, i'm not the one who brought it up. boss: you're giving me a headache. dogbert: to cure that, i suggest ice-cold baths every six minutes.
boss: looks like my idea of remote work is being implemented by management all over the world. dilbert: i don't think that was "our idea" so much as totally obvious to every thinking person. boss: well, maybe. but would they have implemented it? dilbert: i'm going to talk to smart people now.