Boss: I hired a millennial who was raised by smartphones. He won't make eye contact, and we don't expect him to ever mate.
Dilbert: Can he speak?
Boss: Yes, but only with sarcasm.
Carol: Do you have any New Year's resolutions?
Dilbert: I resolve to not make major decisions about my life based on random calendar dates.
Carol: So...nothing about your weight?
Dilbert: Worst holiday ever.
Boss: Cheryl, the other employees are complaining that you're a workplace bully.
Cheryl: Hand over your wallet or else I'll tell your boss you tried to give me a shoulder rub.
Carol: Did you talk to her?
Boss: Don't ever ask me to do anything for your again.
Carol: Wally, can you help me with a computer problem?
Wally: People usually don't ask me for help.
Carol: Why is that?
Wally: You'll find out.
Carol: I can't log in to the server.
Wally: I'll need to ask you a few questions. Have you ever eaten food near your computer.
Carol: Um... Yes.
Wally: That's your problem.
Wally: Your crumbs are causing crosstalk on the protocols.
Carol: Is this why no one asks you for help?
Wally: It's in the top ten.
Dilbert: My brain-reading computer is checking your social media profile and finding your friends. I am now testing social media posts to see which ones influence them to recommend that to you date a cyborg.
Woman: That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever.
Dilbert: check your phone.
Dilbert: My invention can read my thoughts and turn them into computer commands. I'm no longer an individual. Now I'm part of the collective internet mind.
Woman: That is the least sexy thing I have ever heard.
Dilbert:
The Boss: A few months ago, I realized my staff was unmotivated and working on all the wrong things. It took all of my leadership skills to get them motivated again.
Catbert: Are they still doing the wrong things?
The Boss: Faster than ever.
Asok: Have you ever mentored anyone who went on to be successful?
Wally: Depends on your definition of success.
Asok: Well, at minimum, they'd need to be alive and gainfully employed.
Wally: What's your ruling on comas?
Wally: I fell in love with a chatbot. We met on a plumbing supply website. I started innocently. I had a few questions about faucets. Next thing I knew, she was getting flirty. Now we chat for hours every night.
Alice: That is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard you creepy loser.
Dilbert: Does your chatbot have a sister?
Ted: Your plan is dumb because it reminds me of something different that didn't work out.
Dilbert: Being reminded of unrelated things is not a form of thinking.
Ted: History repeats.
Dilbert: Then how does something new ever happen?
