Dilbert: My name used to be Dilbert, but my boss ordered me to identify as a woman. That way he can claim he pays men and women the same.
Woman: I just lost all respect for your company.
Dilbert: That was going to happen either way.
dilbert: when can you meet tomorrow? alice: anytime. dilbert: how about 2 pm? alice: no, that doesn't work. dilbert: i guess we're going to do this the hard way.
Tina: I just realized I enjoy using my phone more than I enjoy interacting with you. I mean, this thing is amazing, whereas you haven't found a way to entertain me all night.
Dilbert: Maybe I'll grow on you.
Tina: "Now he sounds like a tumor. LOl!"
dogbert: i'm opening a beg-and-pay store.
dilbert: what will you be selling?
dogbert: selling?
dogbert: you are way behind the times.
dogbert: stores don't sell things anymore.
dogbert: selling would require good customer service and lots of stock on hand.
dogbert: if you want that sort of thing, use the internet.
dogbert: i just want a place where people can go and beg me to sell them stuff that isn't in stock.
office worker: can you help me find this hat in my size?
dogbert: beg!!!
dibert, the boss and ask at conference table.
the boss: our plan for reducing turnover is to encourage smoking.
the boss: that way, everyone gets a relaxing smoke break several times per day.
dilbert: or non-smokers could take breaks.
the boss: now i wish you had been in the meeting when we planned this.
the boss to dilbert: ...and then i need you to...
notification sound from dilbert's phone.
the boss: don't do it. don't check that message.
dilbert: but it might be important.
the boss: it isn't more important than listening to your boss.
dilbert: i have no way of knowing that.
dilbert yelling: look! there's a squirrel on the printer!
the boss turns around: i don't see a squirrel.
the boss: did you check your phone?
dilbert: was i suppose to just sit here and watch you looking for squirrels?
dilbert: my profit forecast isn't aligning with our strategy
the boss: try adding some variables.
dilbert: what kind of variables?
the boss: the kind that make our strategy line up with our profit forecasts.
dilbert: but...then my forecast would not be accurate.
the boss: it's already inaccurate because no one can forecast complicated things five years ahead.
the boss: if we can't be accurate, we might as well be wrong in a way that is good for us in the near term.
dilbert: you make a surprisingly robust argument for evil.
the boss: and i was barely trying!
the boss: i didn't believe you were a spy for the elbonian government until you denied it the wrong way.
the boss: you were slow to speak, and you blinked.
dilbert: that isn't evidence of anything.
the boss yelling: you blinked again!
ceo: have you confirmed that the cyber attacks are coming from elbonia?
dilbert: no.
ceo: i guess that means you are on their side.
dilbert: what?
catbert: what proof do you have that dilbert is a spy?
ceo: he didn't deny it the way I think he should have.
the boss: i just got word that we're about to start a two-step reorg.
the boss: in step one, we will centralize functions. then, in step two, we will realize it was a huge mistake and reorganize back to the old way.
ted: why don't we just keep it the way it is?
dilbert: first day?
