Boss: Did you take The Dogbert Personality Type Test? Carol: Yes. I'm a disgruntled psychopath with a blinding hatred for authority. Boss: I'll be in my office. Carol: Good! Stay there!
Carol: Ted is trying to sabotage my project because he is so insecure.
Dilbert: Is it possible you're imagining all of that and he is just doing his job?
Carol: I was hoping you'd be supportive.
Dilbert: I like to be on the winning side.
The Boss: My new system of using "radical candor," is working out great. I've been criticizing people all morning and only three of them went into therapy over it. Now I turn my candor to you.
Carol: Die, monster!
Dilbert: I just spent three days using virtual reality with no human contact whatsoever. Now every time I interact with an organic human, I feel cheated.
Carol: Present company excluded?
Dilbert: Here's another problem I never have in virtual reality.
Carol: Wally, can you help me with a computer problem?
Wally: People usually don't ask me for help.
Carol: Why is that?
Wally: You'll find out.
Carol: I can't log in to the server.
Wally: I'll need to ask you a few questions. Have you ever eaten food near your computer.
Carol: Um... Yes.
Wally: That's your problem.
Wally: Your crumbs are causing crosstalk on the protocols.
Carol: Is this why no one asks you for help?
Wally: It's in the top ten.
Carol: I'm selling chocolate bars to raise funds for my kid's school.
Dilbert: I'm childless, so I already subsidize your kid's education.
Carol: I was hoping it would feel too awkward for you to say no.
Dilbert: By my calculations, you owe me money.
Alice says, "I'm filling in for your boss this week, and I need twenty copies." Carol says, "That's not how it works. When he's out of the office I take a workstation vacation." Alice says, "I don't like being in charge." Carol says, "I hear it's overrated."
Carol says, "Hey, Asok. I'm updating our employee profiles. Where'd you go to school?" Asok says, "I graduated from the Indian Institute of Technology in Lucknow with a double major in engineering and physics, and a minor in false humility." Asok says, "For my combined thesis I terraformed a planet in another dimension and didn't tell anyone." Carol says, "I'll put 'Indian.'"
Topper.
Carol: I'm in a bad mood. Maybe I need some sun to boost my vitamin D level. Topper: That's nothing. Exposure to my inner glow will give you a full range of vitamins and minerals. Dilbert: You're better than the sun? Topper: I don't quit just because it's night.
