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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 19, 2004's comic on:


Tags #real estate, #sell house, #agent, #doesn't know maybe, #moving fast, #control process, #escrow closes

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Dilbert: "Maybe I should sell this house and get a newer one." Dogbert: "I'll be the real estate agent." Dilbert: "I said maybe." Dogbert: "A good real estate agent doesn't know the meaning of that word." Dilbert: "Things are moving too fast. I've lost control of the process." Dogbert: "Pack your stuff, waffler. Escrow closes in ten days."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 21, 2005's comic on:


Tags #hired abusive, #lying, #control freak, #difficult coworkers

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"I hired an abusive, lying, back-stabbing, control freak." "But don't worry, because I'm sending you to a class on how to deal with difficult coworkers." "Wouldn't it have been better to..." "I've heard bad things about that guy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 14, 2013's comic on:


Tags #inventions, #win battle, #developing better tv sets, #digital couch, #butt warmer, #bottle opener, #back scratcher, #control lights, #temperature, #buttocks like a mouse

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Wally: The biggest tech companies want to win the battle for your living room. But they are unwisely focusing on developing better TV sets. Today I give you me design for a fully digital couch. It has all of the features you would expect, including a butt warmer, surround sound, bottle opener and back scratcher. But you can also control the lights, curtains, temperature and TV by using your buttocks like a mouse on the seat cushion. This is a loft click and... this is a right. The prototype arrives tomorrow, and I'll be testing it for the next six months. Maybe I'll sell my house.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 10, 2008's comic on:


Tags #antique thing, #defective prodcuts, #free up funds, #larger volume, #longer test, #sales force, #quality control budget

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The Boss says, "I cut the quality control budget to free up funds to increase our sales force." Dilbert says, "So your strategy is to sell a larger volume of defective products?" The Boss says, "The quality will be fine. The tests will just take longer." Dilbert says, "So...It's an antique thing?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 19, 2008's comic on:


Tags #rumor control, #paid per rumor, #terrorit training campo, #exotic dancer, #weekends

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Dogbert says, "I'm from the Dogbert Rumor Control Service." Dogbert says, "People are saying Ted is an exotic male dancer on weekends. I know it isn't true because he spends all of his free time in a terrorist training camp." Alice says, "Isn't that worse?" Dogbert says, "I get paid per rumor. It's not a perfect system."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 19, 2010's comic on:


Tags #question, #cubicle, #fix bugs, #control management software, #lie, #truth, #square dance, #ignorance, #pleaser

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The Boss says, "How long will it take to fix the bugs in our control management software?" Dilbert says, "Do you want a realistic estimate that will ruin your day, or a lie that will allow your ignorance and your happiness to lock arms and square dance to the next cubicle?" The Boss says, "That second option sounds festive." Dilbert says, "I'm a pleaser."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 20, 2010's comic on:


Tags #fix control management system, #long time, #meeting, #leadership, #timeline, #failure, #annoyed, #blame others, #business

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The Boss says, "What's taking you so long to fix the control management system?" Dilbert says, "Your leadership has taught me to give you laughably unrealistic timelines, then blame others when I miss deadlines." The Boss says, "You're not even doing that right." Dilbert says, "I guess I need more of your leadership."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 26, 2010's comic on:


Tags #control men, #plan, #exaggerate, #overwork, #overextend, #yell, #important, #panic, #coffee

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Alice says, "I learned to control men by exaggerating the importance of my projects and overextending myself." Alice says, "Our most important customer is coming and I won't be ready on time unless you fetch me some coffee!" Alice says, "In phase two, I make you enjoy it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 21, 2007's comic on:


Tags #help alice, #argument, #team work, #control killing

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Wally: My accomplishment this week was helping Alice finish her project in a timely manner." Alice: "You didn't do anything to help me." Wally: "Sure I did." "Remember when I came to your cubicle to ask for some data I need for my project?" "You said you were too busy, and shooed me away." Alice: "If I had insisted on doing my job, you would have had less time to do yours." Wally: "It's called teamwork." "Are we still big on that?" Alice: "Must control...First...Of...Death."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 18, 2007's comic on:


Tags #impulse control, #chew on pencil, #beaver, #borrowed pencil, #tree falls, #wild

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Coffee swilling Beaver Beaver: If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it.... Id still chew the bejeezus out f it because I have no impulse control. That reminds me: the pencil I borrowed from you isn't coming back.