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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 17, 2010's comic on:


Tags #summary, #history of the earth, #time, #hours

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The man who could not summarize Man says, "It all started 4.53 billion years ago during the Hadean eon." Man says, "I hope you don't mind if I skip over the part where the earth formed by accretion from the solar nebula." Hours Later Man says, "...And that formed what we call the moon." Dilbert says, "Maybe I'll just ask someone else what time it is."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 03, 2009's comic on:


Tags #history, #lying, #pride, #selfishness, #worried, #recession, #frightening, #crimean war, #cold stench, #death, #use moisturizer, #old enough, #experience, #education, #medical

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Topper Asok says, "This recession frightens me." Topper says, "That's nothing!" Topper says, "During the Crimean war, all I had to eat was the cold stench of death!" Asok says, "You don't seem old enough to?" Topper says, "I use moisturizer!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 09, 2011's comic on:


Tags #avarice, #managers & supervisors, #wages, #open minded, #worst idea, #hostory, #not give raise, #business, #money

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Dilbert says, "I need you to be open-minded about this idea." The Boss says, "Oh, really?" The Boss says, "That's the sort of thing people say before they describe the worst idea in the history of the world." Dilbert says, "My idea is to not give me a raise." The Boss says, "I'm hating you a little extra."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 27, 2009's comic on:


Tags #meeting, #brilliant, #moron, #appearance, #superficial, #beard, #silent, #Funny, #business

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The Boss says, "I invited silent Gary to help us decide on a technology direction." The Boss says, "We think he's a genius because he has a beard and he never speaks." The Boss says, "Gary, do you think we should use open source software for our support platform?" The Boss says, "Here it comes. He's rubbing his beard and giving me creepy eye contact." THe Boss says, "I detect a slight hint of disgust. It means Gary hates the idea! The Boss says, "Yes, it's all so obvious now. This is the worst idea in the history of mankind." The Boss says, "THe meeting is over. Silent Gary has spoken." Dilbert says, "You're actually a moron, aren't you?" Gary says, "Don't ruin this for me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 23, 2002's comic on:


Tags #interview, #long story, #bank story, #argued, #admit mistake, #landmark court case, #bank claims, #dumb guy, #fit in

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The Boss is with another man and introduces him to Dilbert. The Boss says, "Dilbert, I'd like you to interview Matt for our department." Dilbert asks Matt, "There's a three-year gap in your work history. What were you doing?" Matt replies, "One day I was balancing my checkbook and noticed a bank error." Matt continues, "So I embarked on a three-year mission to make the bank admit its mistake!" Matt continues, "I worked the phones day and night, rarely eating or bathing." Matt continues, "Then came the sit-ins, the media frenzy and the landmark court case." Matt exclaims, "The bank claimed that seven minus four is three. And I'm like, 'Since when?'" After the interview, The Boss asks Dilbert, "Would he fit in?" Dilbert replies, "Unfortunately, yes."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 18, 2001's comic on:


Tags #call cemter, #reduce call, #questions, #products, #interface, #average call, #bonus, #priesthood, #mistake

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THE CALL CENTER: A worker sits in front of a computer wearing a telephone headset. A woman supervisor says to him, "Carl, reduce your average call time or you're history." Dilbert holds a portable telephone in his hand and presses buttons to dial a number to the sound of "Beep beep beep beep." Carl answers the phone angrily, saying, "What?!" Dilbert says into his telephone, "I have a question about your product." Carl yells into the telephone, "Faster! Faster! Faster!" Dilbert says into his telephone, "Um... It's about the interface." Dilbert hears Carl say, "Great. Thanks." There is the sound "click." Carl's supervisor says to him, "Your average call time is way down. You get a bonus." Carl holds his bonus check and thinks to himself, "Maybe it's a mistake to do this job while I study for the priesthood."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 25, 2013's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #online ethics course, #kill coworker, #failed ethics test, #first employee to fail

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Catbert: You're the first employee in company history to fail the online ethics course. Wally: I protest the grading system! Ethics are subjective. There are no right answers! Catbert: You said you would kill a coworker if you knew you wouldn't get caught. Wally: It was hard to know what answer they were looking for.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 29, 2013's comic on:


Tags #defense industry, #internet & world wide web, #browser, #firewall, #hackers, #fluke

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Agent: The government would like to use your browser history as a firewall against Elbonian hackers. One look at what you're up to will make them blind and crazy. I know because it worked on me. Elbonian: That's probably a fluke. You try. A Week Later in Elbonia

App For Hiring Decisions

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App For Hiring Decisions - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 06, 2015's comic on:


Tags #mansplaining, #tech, #programmers, #coders, #interview, #hiring, #stereotype

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Boss: No need to talk. Now we use an app to make hiring decisions. The app checked your online footprint and says you're a serial mansplainer with an unsuccessful dating history. I assume that means you have awesome technical skills. Interviewee: Full stack!

Wally Is Employee Of The Year

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Wally Is Employee Of The Year - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 15, 2015's comic on:


Tags #awards, #cheating, #deception, #patent, #catch-22, #work ethic, #laziness

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CEO: Our Employee Of The Year is Wally, for filing the most patents of any engineer in our history. Dilbert: How many have been granted? CEO: Well, most of them... I assume? Wally: How much coffee does this thing hold?