The feature creep
Creep: Is it too late to give our product a low battery indicator?
Dilbert: Id have to work night and day for a month! My health would decline and Id miss all my objectives!
Creep: I jus realized that other peoples problems make me all warm inside.
The Boss says to Carol, "What happened while I was in jail?" Carol responds, "Morale skyrocketed, profits soared, and for the first time, life had meaning." The Boss walks into his office and thinks, "It's just my luck that I'd miss those two days."
Dilbert: We still have too many software faults. We'll miss our ship date.
The boss: "Move the list of faults to the 'future development' column and ship it."
"90% of this job is figuring out what to call stuff."
"Hey, Dilbert! How would you like to go to lunch?"
"Alone."
"Alone! Ha ha! but then you'd miss out on this great opportunity!"
"It's multi-level marketing plus a diet plan suggested by the bible!"
"Shoot me."
"I heard that you started a comic strip on the side." "You're in my seat, fly bait. Move or I'll pound your head so hard you'll have to remove your pants to read." "Did I miss anything about teamwork?" "Where do you get your ideas?"
The Boss: Can you come to a meeting right now?
Dilbert: No, it's almost lunch time.
If I miss lunch, my day will be 12 hours of uninterrupted misery. I will envy the dead.
The Boss: That's stupid. The dead don't eat lunch either.
Boss: Execution is a game of inches! You miss 100% of the shots you don't take! Innovation is everyone's full-time job! Be the dog, not the tail! Excellence is the only market that isn't crowded! Why don't any of you look inspired by my leadership? Wally: I died on the inside years ago. Now I'm just a fleshy container full of coffee and resentment. This guy was born without a soul. The she-devil at the end is the chemical formula for hatred. Catbert: Did you get through to them? Boss: I drilled until I hit bile.
Boss: I'm what you call a natural leader because of my communication skills. Dilbert: Did I miss the context for this conversation? I have no idea why you're talking. Boss: Why does everything you say annoy me? Is it because you're a great communicator?
RAtBert: I'm the official department mole. I'll be reporting your every misstep to your pointy-haired boss.
Dilbert: Won't this have a chilling effect on our creativity and honesty?"
RatBert: That didn't take long.
The Boss says, "What's taking you so long to fix the control management system?" Dilbert says, "Your leadership has taught me to give you laughably unrealistic timelines, then blame others when I miss deadlines." The Boss says, "You're not even doing that right." Dilbert says, "I guess I need more of your leadership."
