Off Site Document Comic Strips - Page 4
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Catbert stands on the desk and thinks, "The employees have too much time off. It must be stopped." Catbert waves his arms and shouts, "I summon the demons of Darkness to assist me!!!" Catbert sits on the monitor while Phil, the demon of Heck, says, ". . . Eliminate sick days. Make them use vacation days when they're ill. Call it a 'time bank.'" Catbert says, "It's playful . . . It's cruel . . . I like it."
Dilbert lies on the couch reading a magazine and Dogbert sits on the armrest. Dogbert says, "I'm going to use bad grammar more often." Dogbert continues, "My leadership will change the language through the principle of common usage." Dogbert continues, "And I won't stop until the entire language is reduced to grunting and pointing! Buwaha ha ha!!" Dilbert says, "I really got ripped off by that dog obedience school."
The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We'll be having an ISO 9000 audit soon. They'll check to see if we follow our own documented procedures for everything we do." The Boss continues, "I've divided our preparation tasks into two groups: unethical and unproductive." Wally tells Dilbert, "I'll train our department to lie to the auditor. You can document our inane procedures." Dilbert replies, "No fair. You did unethical last time too!"
Dilbert sits at a table using a laptop. Dilbert tells the man across the table, "I need to document your job processes to satisfy our ISO 9000 requirements." The man replies, "Okay." The man says, "I try to anticipate the shifting political winds. Then I wrap myself in the relevant buzzwords and try to achieve importance without adding value." Dilbert asks, "What's your job title?" The man replies, "Director of ISO 9000 Quality Process Design."
Alice sits at her desk. Asok tells her, "I found many areas for improvement in your document, Alice." Asok continues, "I'm only an intern, but these error stand out like huge, red, blinking lights." Asok continues, "You could put this on top of an ambulance as a warning." Alice rolls up her sleeve as if she is about to punch Asok. She says, "I was thinking the same thing about you."
Catbert stands at his desk and types, "Effective immediately, the company will no longer allow time off for the death of a family member." Catbert continues, "This 'family friendly' policy will remove your incentive to extend vacations by killing relatives." Catbert continues, "And more good news: we're canceling your life insurance so your family won't try to snuff you out either."
Dilbert, who is wearing a bathrobe, tells Dogbert, "I convinced my boss to let me telecommute." Dogbert asks, "How?" Dilbert replies, "Well, technically, I called in sick, which comes out of my time bank for total days off." Dilbert continues, "So, technically, I'm working for nothing, but I'm ahead in principle." Dogbert says, "WAY ahead, now that stupidity is a principle."
Dogbert tells Dilbert, "Your success at work depends on what you have in your hands when you walk around." Dogbert continues, "A coffee cup is bad. A document is good. A cigarette is bad. A binder is good. But the very worst thing . . ." Dilbert meets Wally in the hallway. Wally carries a coffee mug and a newspaper. Dilbert says, "It doesn't look like you're heading for the fast track, Wally." Wally replies, "Actually, I am, unless it's occupied."
Dilbert tells Alice, "This so-called 'Family Friendly' policy is like a tax on childless people." Dilbert continues, "You get child-care; I get lower profit-sharing. YOU get time off for family; I get to pick up your slack . . ." Dilbert says, "I'm a victim, but in some strange way I'm enjoying it." Alice makes a fist and rolls up her sleeve. She says, "Then you'll love this."
Dilbert sits at his computer. Dogbert walks up and says, "I have a new method for blowing off the idiots who ask questions." Dogbert waves his tiny armsi in the air and says, "I say, 'That information ison my web page. Shoo, shoo." Dilbert asks, "What happens when they find out it isn't?" Dogbert replies, "I'll say, 'You must have misunderstood your question.'"