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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 28, 2011's comic on:


Tags #afterlife, #death & dying, #international economic integration, #secure a long term supply, #rare earth, #metal, #rare earth metals, #dying, #reincarnating, #20% chance, #born chinese

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The Boss says, "Our consultant will tell us how we can secure a long-term supply of rare earth metals for our products." The Boss says, "China has the most of the rare earth metals. Try dying. And reincarnating. There's a 20% chance that you'll be born Chinese." The Boss says, "What's plan B?" Dogbert says, "If the only part that goes wrong is the Chinese part, you can try dying again."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 01, 2007's comic on:


Tags #six months, #task, #simple task, #continuous cahnges, #unclear communication, #short work days, #being lazy

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The Boss: "Why did it take six months to complete this simple task?" Dilbert: "Because of your continuous changes, your unclear communication, and your short work days." The boss: "I'm looking for something more along the lines of you being lazy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 06, 2002's comic on:


Tags #compost, #coot, #landscaping, #leadership skills, #listening, #long term potential, #performance review, #rating is feral, #squirrely, #thesaurus, #words, #ratings, #new words

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Wally is sitting at his computer. The Boss approaches and says, "Wally, it's time for your annual performance review." As they're walking to the conference room, The Boss says to Wally, "None of my usual words fit your situation." They enter the conference room and take seats. The Boss continues, "So I had to hit the thesaurus pretty hard." The Boss continues, "Your overall rating is 'feral.'" The Boss continues, "Your leadership skills are rated 'squirrely.'" The Boss continues, "And your teamwork is a solid 'coot.'" The Boss continues, "Your long-term potential is to die in the landscaping and become compost." After the meeting, Dilbert asks Wally, "How'd it go?" Wally responds, "I wasn't really listening."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 21, 2014's comic on:


Tags #big business, #money, #obliviousness, #travel budget, #business travel, #long term profitability, #budget frozen

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Boss: The travel budget is frozen so we can meet our income estimates for this quarter. Dilbert: Is that because all business travel is a waste of time or because we no longer care about long-term profitability? Take as long as you need. Boss: Um...

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 06, 2014's comic on:


Tags #big business, #mergers & acquisitions, #worry, #short poition, #cartoon cat, #bloom county, #Comic Strip, #mantra, #bill ackman, #stocks, #defective people

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Dilbert: Bill Ackman just took a huge short position in our stock. Boss: I"m not worried about a cartoon cat from an old "Bloom County" comic strip. Dilbert: Maybe I care too much. Wally: That is the mantra of all defective people.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 23, 2011's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #work ethic, #work-life balance, #implies life is impirtant, #work-life intergration, #big thanks, #never had a life

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Catbert says, "We're no longer using the term 'work-life balance' because it implies that your life is important." Catbert says, "Now we call it 'work-life integration' so it's easier to make you work when you would prefer being with loved ones." Catbert says, "And I'd like to give a big thanks to those of you who never had a life." Dilbert says, "You're welcome."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 29, 2011's comic on:


Tags #exercise & fitness, #office workers, #engineers, #telomeres, #value work, #company gym, #slacker trap

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Boss: We're looking for engineers with short telomeres for their age. That's an indication that you value work above exercise. Man: But you have a company gym. Boss: That's our slacker trap!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 17, 2012's comic on:


Tags #actions & defenses, #billion dollars, #business ethics, #golden key, #rich people, #top 1%, #flying unicorn

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Boss: Here's a billion dollars to settle your claim of discrimination against short, bald, nearsighted guys. Wally: I'm in the top 1% now. I wonder where we hold our secret meetings. Boss: Ask the tiny flying unicorn with the golden key.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 15, 1990's comic on:


Tags #woman, #single, #clues, #hair

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The caption says, "Clues from women's hair." An arrow points at a woman with long hair and a caption says, "This woman is single." An arrow points at a woman with short hair and a caption says, "The same woman, now married." An arrow points at a woman with bags under her eyes and hair standing on end and a caption says, "Married, two kids."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 23, 1991's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #government, #insured, #depositors, #lost, #money, #divvying, #senator

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Dogbert opens the door and a man in a suit says, "I'm from the government. We're repaying insured depositors who lost money in 'Ethel's S $ L.'" The man continues, "We're a little short on cash ourselves, so we're divvying up the items Ethel bought." Dogbert holds a man's hand and says to Dilbert, "I got a senator."