Six Million To Four Comic Strips - Page 4
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The caption reads, "The problem . . ." Dilbert enters looking frazzled and says to the Boss, "We're so under-staffed that the project is six weeks behind schedule." The caption reads, "The analysis . . ." The Boss looks pensive and thinks, "I can't add people . . . I can't change the due date . . . I can't ignore it." The caption reads, "The result . . ." Dilbert says to Wally and Alice, "He wants daily status reports until the situation improves." All three look overworked and disheveled.
The Boss stands behind Alice's desk and says, "Alice, I'm almost done with your performance appraisal." Alice looks horrified and gasps. Alice turns her chair to face the Boss and says, "I haven't had an appraisal in four years. You must be starting a documentation trail so you can fire me later." Alice types wildly and yells, "I'LL WORK 24 HOURS A DAY!!" The Boss thinks, "That was way more motivational than I'd hoped."
The Boss, Dilbert and a male employee sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "Okay, so we shipped a million keyboards that don't have the letter 'Q.' What do we do?" The man says, "We could offer free upgrades to users who can prove they need a 'Q.'" The Boss asks, "How many users need a 'Q?'" The man answers, "Well . . . there's the royal family . . ."
The Boss says to Dilbert, Wally and Alice, "Have fun working. I'm off to the two-week management retreat in the mountains." The Boss continues, "It's so sad you can't come. I guess there isn't room at the four-star hotel." As he flees from books and folders being hurled at him, the Boss thinks, "Now I know why it's called a retreat."
Dogbert sits at a desk. Dilbert says, "Yes?" Dogbert says, "I'm demanding a new wage and benefits package." Dilbert says, "I already give you everything you want . . ." Dilbert continues, "And in return you give me disloyalty, verbal abuse and occasional legal problems." Dogbert says, "Okay, it's a good job, but I'm putting in twenty-four hours a day!" Dogbert continues, "I think I deserve some sort of special recognition for my good work." An "Employee of the Month" poster with Dogbert's picture hangs on the refrigerator. Dogbert says, "I'm positively giddy." Dilbert says, "You edged out the toaster by two votes."
The caption says, "First date." Dilbert and a woman sit at a table in a restaurant looking at menus. Dilbert asks the waiter, "How much is the half chicken?" The waiter replies, "Ninety-six dollars." Dilbert looks at the menu and thinks, "Uh-oh . . . I can't afford this place." Dilbert asks, "How much is one-eighth of a chicken?" The waiter replies, "Ninety-two dollars." Dilbert asks, "What can I get for thirty bucks?" The waiter replies, "We could slap you with an oven mitten." The woman says, "I can't believe what a cheap-skate you are." The woman continues, "My mother was right: all men are insensitive!" Dilbert hands the menu to the waiter and says, "Two oven mittens." The waiter says to the woman, "So, it looks like you'll be free later . . ."
Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a table reading documents. Dilbert says, "I have to turn this fifty-page proposal into a one-paragraph executive summary for our CEO. It's impossible." Dogbert responds, "Simple." Dogbert says, "How about 'give us three million dollars so we can buy cool technology, pump up our resumes and escape this festering boil you call a company?'" Dilbert says, "I feel obligated to say something about our customers." Dogbert says, "How about 'I'm glad I'm not one of them.'"
Dogbert sits on a chair watching television. A voice from the tv says, "This is Phil, Ruler of Heck, with a special offer for my patented 'Exerspoon.'" In the commercial, Phil holds his spoon between his thighs and says, "You can do over seven million exercises with the 'Exerspoon.'" It even trims problem areas!" Phil continues, "And thanks to the innovative spoon shape, storage is a breeze!" The commercial shows a man and women in a bed, sleeping in the spoon position with the Exerspoon.
The Boss and Dogbert sit at a conference table. Dogbert says, "When the year 2000 comes, your computers will think it's the year '00' and cause major problems." Dogbert continues, "The Dogbert Consulting Company can fix the problem for only ten million dollars. Our work is guaranteed for one full year, starting today." The Boss says, "But why would I care? The year '00' is before I'm born." Dogbert says, "Amazing . . . You'd actually have to be SMARTER to do something STUPID."
Dilbert sits at a table with a woman. Dilbert asks, "If you were hired, what would be your long-range career goals?" The woman replies, "I'd have your job in six months. In a year you'd be working for me, you big pile of dinosaur dung." Dilbert looks at the woman's resume and says, "I see you attended an all women's college. Does that make you more confident and assertive?" The woman puts her elbow on the table and says, "Either arm. Let's go."