Slap Yourself Comic Strips - Page 4
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Dogbert's Tech Support "Try rebooting yourself." "Clone yourself, put the clone up for adoption, and hope intelligence can be influenced by the environment." "Evidently your parents slapped together Version 1.0 of you and hoped no one would notice the bugs..."
The Boss: Human resources is a company's most important strategic asset. "That means it's your fault we're losing market share. Maybe you should fire yourself." "Strategic assets don't like accountability."
Boss: We don't have any openings for regular interns, but I can offer you a job as an intern to our intern. We won't pay you, of course, but you might acquire an imperceptible amount of semi-relevant job experience. And sometimes we'll slap you for no reason. Applicant: Stupid economy! I'll take it.
Ratbert: Let's talk like idiots. Bob: Ha ha! You go first! Ratbert: Slap lipstick on the pig, put a stake in the ground, and view it from 30,000 feet. Bob: That deliverable is actionable. Ratbert: Wait... why do I suddenly feel like hiring you? Bob: And why do I feel underpaid?
Alice: I've learned to control reality by creating fake websites and doing search engine optimization. Boss: Did you hear about the idiopathy epidemic? They symptoms include pointy hair and gullibility. The only treatment is for someone else to slap the victim. Alice: Ask for it like you mean it.
Ted: Your most sensitive materials should always be sent in an interoffice envelope marked 'top secret. Dilbert: Are you a moron who works in our security department, or an industrial spy who is too lazy to look through lots of envelopes? The boss: Our security guys don't slap that hard or run that fast.
Asok says, "Alice, a horrible accident has given me a goat head. I need you to slap me so hard that I change species from the neck up." Alice says, "Hold still, Asok. This might take a few tries." Two Hours Later Alice says, "Dolphin is close! One more should do it."
Dilbert says, "I feel like a failure. Say something to cheer me up?" Dogbert says, "Happiness comes from comparing yourself to a reference group that is relatively worse off." Dogbert says, "You're a successful member of the reference group." Dilbert says, "And that's not nothing!"
The Boss: We'll be using the Dogbert personality predictor index to judge your career potential. Then we'll leave you in the dead end job that most closely matches your lack of potential. Here's a sample question... How would other people describe you? A)Angry loner B) embezzler C) lazy Dilbert: That's not enough choices! Dogbert: Says the angry loner. The Boss: You have thirty minutes to give yourself a label that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Wally: Would you say I'm more of an unidentified hominid or an inappropriate toucher?"
Boss: I traced all of our problems back to your lack of creativity. You should be creating ideas that change the course of civilization, but instead, you sit there like a lump. Dilbert: I'm sending you a link that describes fun ways to choke yourself.