Catbert Comic Strips - Page 40
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655 Results for Catbert
View 391 - 400 results for Catbert comic strips. Discover the best "Catbert" comics from Dilbert.com.
Thursday August 15,
2013
Tags employees, medical equipment & supplies, biosensor, health, shallow breathing, monitor health, business
Transcript
Boss: Wear this biosensor so management can monitor your health during the day. Dilbert; Wow. I didn't know you cared so much about my health. Boss: Oh, I do. Catbert: Employee 479 doesn't have shallow breathing. You can give that one some more work.
Top Dilbert Searches
marketing, project, cloud, catbert, leadership, budget, birthday, engineer, time sheet, sales, wally, strategy, dogbert, powerpoint, project management, topper, leader, boss, change, meeting, data, management, mordac
Wednesday September 04,
2013
Tags competition (psychology), ignorance (knowledge), big tech firms, hiring people, prestigious degrees, hiring idiots, vacuum up, hiring accused murderers, bail
Transcript
Catbert: The big tech firms say they no longer care about hiring people who have prestigious degrees. Obviously, they're trying to sucker the rest of us into hiring idiots while they vacuum up the people from the top schools. CEO: We need to get on this. Catbert: We could say we get good results by hiring accused murderers who are out on bail.
Tuesday October 22,
2013
Tags choosing, stress, vacations, unlimited vacation days, torpedo career, source of stress, set up, manipulate
Transcript
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert: We're jumping on the fad of giving employees unlimited vacation days. The only gating factor will be the knowledge that taking any time off whatsoever will torpedo your career. Alice: So... now our vacations will be a source of stress? Catbert: Only as much as you want. It's totally up to you.
Friday November 08,
2013
Tags gratitude, managers & supervisors, work ethic, great leadership, project, useful things, good work, greedy, business
Transcript
Boss: I'd like to thank myself for my great leadership on the project. Some of you did useful things, too, but only because I threatened to fire you if you didn't. So don't let it go to your heads. Catbert: I hope you didn't tell them they did good work. Boss: No, that makes them greedy.
Saturday November 23,
2013
Tags managers & supervisors, obliviousness, great leader, hires good people, no budget, micromanaging, half wits, afford, business
Transcript
Boss: A great leader hires good people and gives them the freedom to do their jobs. But I don't have the budget to hire good people, so I settle for micromanaging the half-wits I can afford. Catbert: Your boss was just in here saying the same thing.
Monday December 02,
2013
Tags complaining, obliviousness, thinking, perspectives, benefits, thought diveristy, all idiots
Transcript
Boss: I hired people who have different perspectives so we could enjoy the benefits of thought diversity. But they disagree with everything I say, so I have to assume they're all idiots. Am I right? Catbert: Totally.
Monday January 13,
2014
Tags employees, mental health, vision not money, mental problems, low self esteem, performance review, business
Transcript
Boss: We need employees that are motivated by our vision, not by money. Catbert: Are we looking for any other mental problems, or just that one? Boss: I"m also a big fan of low self-esteem. It comes in handy at performance review time.
Friday January 24,
2014
Tags executives, slapped ceo, report says, success is following your instinct, being passionate, engaged, creative, meaningful, office meeting, literal meeting
Transcript
Catbert: This report says you slapped our CEO senseless after he said they key to success is following your instinct. Alice: I was following my instinct. I was also being passionate, engaged, and creative. Catbert: Apparently the things you say actually mean stuff. CEO: How was I to know!
Monday January 27,
2014
Tags competition (psychology), wages, big data, top perfromers, higher pay, average performance, average people say, money
Transcript
Catbert: Our big data analysis tells us that only the top performers leave for higher pay. Since you're still here, it means your performance is average at best. Dilbert: That's not fair! Catbert: That's what all the average people say.
Sunday January 26,
2014
Tags management jargon, engage employees, follow from front, anything, tell people, fake caring situation, fake passion, uncle died, combine both
Transcript
Boss: What's the newest management jargon I need to pretend you understand? Catbert: Experts say you should engage employees and follow from the front. Boss: Does that mean anything? Catbert: No one know. Just to be safe, you should tell people you're doing it. Boss: Should I act as if I'm passionate, or is this more of a fake caring situation? Catbert: Beats me. Try combining the two. Boss: Fake passion plus fake caring. Asok: My uncle died. Boss: Woot!!! What was his name?!

