Gigantic Product Document Comic Strips - Page 40
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Dilbert stands next to a blank projection screen. He says, "My boss asked me to give his presentation." Dilbert puts a transparency on the overhead projector, saying, "I'll start with his irrelevant comparisons." Dilbert points to the projection, saying, "Our budget is lower than last year...". His co-workers watch as Dilbert continues, "When we had completely different projects." Pointing to a projection of a graph, Dilbert continues, "Our average product development time is less...". The co-workers watch as Dilbert continues, "Than the average for companies who make different products." Dilbert puts another transparency on the projector, saying, "Let's move on to his list of blindingly obvious insights." Standing next to the projction, Dilbert says, "If it's okay with you, I won't read them aloud." The projection reads, "Computers are getting faster!"
Dilbert: "My marketing plan involved giving free samples of our cruddy product to celebrity lookalikes." "The fact that it worked caused a steep decline in my respect for the intelligence of people." "In conclusion, there's a fine line between marketing and hating."
The boss: "Alice, where are the quality estimates that I asked you for an hour ago?" "It's between your left arm and your stout torso, about elbow-high." "Stupid elbow."
We've narrowed our target market to this guy. "He's the only one rich enough and stupid enough to buy our high-end product." "Our diamond-encrusted time machine will take you one hour into the future in only sixty minutes!"
Question: If our new product takes you sixty minutes into the future in one hour... "Isn't that the same as doing nothing at all?" "It also makes you lose weight if you stay in it long enough...while not eating."
Our new product is a cable that doesn't attach to anything. "We hope to create demand via a series of commercials showing young people dancing." "And then we'll all go straight to hell." "He didn't take the last round of budget cuts well."
CEO Visits "We bought our competitor and we plan to integrate their product line into ours." "Did anyone tell you that their products are worthless pieces of garbage? Maybe that's why they sold the company." "I mean congratulations."
"Dilbert, come up with a plan to integrate our product with the one we acquired through the merger." "Okay. My plan is to throw away the competitor's product because it's just a cheap knock-off of our product." "How about a plan that doesn't make our CEO look like a moron?" "He could stop wearing sleeveless sweaters."
My boss wants me to integrate a great product with a terrible one just to validate our merger. "Is it ethical for me to stall for a month until he forgets what he asked for?" "Sure. You can even hit him with a rock to speed up the forgetting." "Maybe I'm asking the wrong ethicist."
Dogbert's Tech Support "Before I can help you, I need your tech support product identification code." "You can find it by going to your local landfill and digging until you see your product's original packaging." "But don't disturb the seagulls or they'll peck off your face."