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Dilbert: You said to tell you if marketing wasn't cooperating. The Boss: You can't come running to me with every little problem. Go fix it. Dilbert: Then why did you tell me to tell you?! The boss: It's just something I say.
I asked Disgruntled Doug to work on our pricing model. "The fate of the entire company rests in his tiny hands." "That reminds me: I gave your cubicle to an intern." "But don't worry. I have another workspace for you." "You can use this little cardboard box that the laser printer came in." "It's only temporary." "Until we can find you a larger cardboard box." "I have an urge to underestimate costs."
CEO Visit CEO: "My meetings go faster when I set the tone." "Opinions are treason." "Do you have any opinions, Doofy?"
Dogbert the Green Consultant Dogbert: "Stop eating, breathing, driving, defecating, and procreating." "Sit in the dark and decompose on some garden seeds." "Or do you admit you hate Earth?" The Boss:"A little."
The boss: "Our CEO's son is joining the department as an intern." "I want you to be his mentor." "And by mentor, I mean don't let the little spy learn anything about us." "If he finds out what we do, he'll tell his dad we're doing it wrong." "Here's a list of compliments you can give him." "Tell him his assignment is to go someplace and study cool motorcycles." "If he asks more than three questions, kill him." Intern: "Where's my desk?" Dilbert: "That's one."
Dogbert's Tech Support Dogbert: "No one else has ever reported that problem." "That means you are either crazy or a liar." Man: "It's a little of both, but how did you know?" DOgbert: "I can see through your computer."
Dilbert: Don't get too friendly with the new guy. His armpits are 66 inches off the ground. Asok: He seems nice. I fail to see how the height of his armpits is relevant. Wally: You'll see. New Guy: Hey, little buddy. Let me tell you about my weekend.
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert says, "We've installed surveillance cameras to monitor your work." Catbert says, "It might seem like an unconscionable assault on your privacy, but you'll get used to it." Wally says, "I'm already a little bit used to it." Dilbert says, "Used to what?"