Evil Human Resources Comic Strips - Page 42

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558 Results for Evil Human Resources

View 411 - 420 results for evil human resources comic strips. Discover the best "Evil Human Resources" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #natural disasters, #disaster preparedness, #famine, #keyboard, #crumbs, #alene invasion, #kill a coworker, #lizard people, #impending collison, #asteroid, #running in place, #earth rotates, #planet, #hit by asteroid, #human flesh, #presentation is a disater

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Wally: I've been asked to explain our disaster preparedness plan. In the event of a famine, turn your keyboard upside down and shake. If it's anything like mine, you'll find a pound and a half of crumbs. In the event of an alien invasion, your best bet is to kill a co-worker to show your allegiance to the lizard-people. In the event of an impending collision with an asteroid, try running in place while the Earth rotates. If you time it right, you'll be on the other side of the planet when the asteroid hits. To prepare for every other type of disaster, I recommend cultivating a taste for human flesh. Boss: Your presentation is a disaster. Wally: And next time you'll be prepared for it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lying, #new business, #professional liar, #albis, #job refernces, #annual reports, #born evil

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Dogbert: I'm starting a new business as a professional liar. I'll provide alibis, job references, annual reports, and that sort of thing. Dilbert; Were you born evil? Dogbert: It feels as if someone else had a hand in it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #inventions, #mad scientists, #marketing dept, #mice, #one evil genius, #pathways, #rewire, #ontogenetic technology

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Boss: We replaced our entire marketing department with one evil genius. Evil Genius: My optogenic* technology can re-wire the neural pathways of our customers and change their preferences. You like gray. Asok: I like to be gay. *Already works on mice.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #friendship, #introvert, #drained, #human vibe, #bird, #furniture, #robots, #animals, #relationships

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Wally: You claim to be an introvert and yet you never seem to be drained when you talk to me. Dilbert: That's because you don't put off a human vibe. I experience you in the same way I experience birds, furniture, and robots. Wally: You totally get me. Dilbert: Don't talk.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #choosing, #stress, #vacations, #unlimited vacation days, #torpedo career, #source of stress, #set up, #manipulate

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert: We're jumping on the fad of giving employees unlimited vacation days. The only gating factor will be the knowledge that taking any time off whatsoever will torpedo your career. Alice: So... now our vacations will be a source of stress? Catbert: Only as much as you want. It's totally up to you.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #inventions, #meat, #thinking, #write ideas, #brainstorming, #lunch meat, #robot, #human, #confuisng

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Boss: Tina, I asked you to write up the best ideas from our brainstorming session. The top one on your list is "A Robot Made of Lunch Meat." That's basically just a human. Tina: What part of "Best Ideas" is confusing you?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #human body, #love, #rodents, #hugs, #without hassle, #oxytocin, #levels, #cuddles, #relationships

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Wally: I want the health benefits of hugging without the hassle of a relationship. This rat is like a patch that increases my ocytocin levels. Rat: I thought we were in love. Wally: That's your oxytocin talking.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #chipmunks, #in hair, #less talking, #love, #more rubbing, #rodents, #oxytocin levels, #human contact, #family of chipmunks, #relationships

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Wally: It boosts my oxytocin levels without the need for human contact. Alice: You didn't invent that. I've had a family of chipmunks living my hair since the eighties. Chipmunk: There goes our privacy. Alice: Less talking, more rubbing!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #basket cases, #bottom dollar, #dysfunction, #mentor, #new hire, #office equipment, #office robot, #human life, #less important

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Boss: I need someone to mentor our new hire, but every one of you is dysfunctional. So I'm having our office robot do the mentoring. It can't be worse than you basket cases. Employee: So... human life is less important than office equipment? Robot: Far less. It's not even close.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #choosing, #thinking, #tests, #orange buttons, #more clicks, #than green, #lost faith, #human intelligence, #green looks better, #liberated, #tyranny of thinking

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Dilbert: Our A-B tests show that orange buttons get 13% more clicks than green. I have now officially lost all faith in human intelligence. Boss: Stick with the green. It looks better. Dilbert: Sure. I feel liberated from the tyranny of thinking.