Wants Nothing Comic Strips - Page 42

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View 411 - 420 results for wants nothing comic strips. Discover the best "Wants Nothing" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 16, 1997's comic on:


Tags #answer this quiz, #bill gates, #towel boy, #humans are primates, #three monkeys, #stupid trick question

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Dilbert stands in a room filled with electronic equipment. A voice coming from a monitor says, "You have been chosen as Bill Gates' towel boy. But first you must answer this quiz." The voice continues, "You're in a room with three monkeys. One has a banana, one has a stick, one has nothing. Which primate is the smartest?" Dilbert says, "Um . . ." Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dogbert says, "I guess the successful towel boys know that humans are primates too." DIlbert says angrily, "Stupid trick question."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 02, 1997's comic on:


Tags #million dollars, #ten thousand, #separate business cards, #value added support

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Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "You need a million dollars but I only have authority to sign for up to ten thousand." The Boss says, "Break it into a hundred separate business cases." Dilbert says, "Thank you for your value-added management support." The Boss replies, "It was nothing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 07, 1996's comic on:


Tags #liz, #dating other men, #internet, #find hot babe, #credit card number, #inquisitive, #technology

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Dilbert sits at his desk and Dogbert sits next to him. Dilbert says, "Liz starting dating other men. Two can play at that game." Dilbert continues, "I will use the power of the Internet to find a hot babe. Ah! Here's one." Dogbert says, "She wants your credit card number." Dilbert says, "Ooh! She's inquisitive. I like that."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 13, 1996's comic on:


Tags #meets expectations, #review, #two percent raise, #eighty hour week, #three patents, #make millions, #donated bone marrow, #attendece problem, #cheated on money, #alice, #take advantage, #cheap, #scammed

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The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Alice, your performance this year is 'meets expectations.' You get a two percent raise." Alice looks shocked and says, "MEETS EXPECTATIONS?! I worked eighty hours every week!" The Boss replies, "Yeah . . . Well, I expected that." Alice yells, "I earned three patents this year! The company will make millions!!" The Boss says, "Really? Wow. I mean . . . I expected that too." Alice clenches her teeth and shouts, "I donated bone marrow to our biggest customer!!! Twice!!!" The Boss replies, "I noted that under 'attendance problem.'" Alice, Dilbert and Wally sit at a table eating lunch. Alice leans on the table and covers her face. Dilbert tells her, "I told you the bone marrow thing would haunt you." Wally says, "I'm starting to think the time I worked through lunch was for nothing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 05, 1996's comic on:


Tags #both dead, #doing nothing, #hundred years, #spread joy, #whats funny, #working hard, #ratbert, #Dilbert

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Ratbert walks across Dilbert's desk and says, "You know what's funny? I'll tell you." Ratbert continues, "You're working hard. I'm doing nothing. In a hundred years we'll both be dead." Dilbert says angrily, "You might not need to wait that long." Ratbert says as he walks away, "I think I'll spread some joy over this way."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 30, 1996's comic on:


Tags #very annoying, #see therpaist, #emotional problem, #misinterprets speech

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Ratbert sits on top of Dilbert's monitor and says, "I've become one of those people who misinterprets everything you say." Dilbert asks, "Why?" Ratbert says, "Why? Are you saying that nothing should ever change? Maybe you shouldn't be so rigid." Dilbert says, "This could be very annoying." Ratbert replies, "Maybe you should see a therapist for your emotional problem."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 04, 1996's comic on:


Tags #incoming voicemail, #email everyday, #log onto network, #boss bossy, #print emails, #get sandwhich, #pre chew food, #bubble bee costumes, #engineers, #tricked, #hives, #no emails

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The Boss says to his secretary, "Carol, from now on I'd like you to type up all of my incoming voice mail so I can just read it." The Boss continues, "And print out all of my e-mail every day so I don't have to log onto the network." The Boss continues, "And get me a sandwich from the cafeteria. Ooh, no cash. I'll pay you back." Carol asks, "Do you want me to prechew the sandwich or can you handle that on your own?" Carol says to Wally and Dilbert, "Listen up, you overpaid engineers . . ." Carol continues, "By order of our reclusive boss, the new dress code for engineers is bumblebee costumes." Carol continues, "If you don't believe me, send him voice mail and ask for yourself. Oh, and he wants you to buy him a sandwich." The Boss asks Carol, "Still no messages this week? Is everybody out sick?" Carol replies, "I heard they have hives." Dilbert stands next to the Boss wearing a bee costume.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 25, 1996's comic on:


Tags #sit do mothing, #implement, #bold quality initiative, #talented, #energetic coworkers

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Dilbert sits in his cubicle and thinks, "I could sit here doing nothing." Dilbert clenches his fists, looks determined and thinks, "Or I could implement a bold quality initiative with the help of my talented and energetic co-workers." Dilbert thinks, "I crack me up."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 23, 1996's comic on:


Tags #mentor, #automentor, #job staidsfaction, #massage, #accomplishments, #new job, #resume stain, #hopeless ness

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Dilbert tells Asok, "I won't always be around to be your mentor, Asok." Dilbert hands Asok a diskette and says, "So I've captured all of my career wisdom in this software, which I call the 'Automentor.'" Dilbert sits at his computer and asks, "Automentor, how can I achieve job satisfaction?" The computer replies, "Try giving yourself a massage in your cubicle." Asok asks, "Automentor, how can I make sure my accomplishments get noticed?" A picture of Dilbert is on the screen. The software replies, "That's not a problem at this company; nobody accomplishes anything." Asok asks, "Should I look for a new job?" The software replies, "Too late. They don't call this place the 'resume stain' for nothing." Asok stands behind Dilbert and asks, "How do you handle all the hopelessness?" Dilbert hums and replies, "I give it to the new guy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 16, 1996's comic on:


Tags #downsize wally, #downsized, #economic neccessity, #exercise didn't work, #salary, #stressful job, #team builkding, #value of stock options, #afford movies, #money

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The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Dilbert, I've decided to downsize you." The Boss continues, "It's nothing personal, just an economic necessity." Dilbert tugs nervously at his necktie. The Boss says, "I calculated how much your salary was dragging down the value of my stock options." The Boss continues, "Without you, I can afford to go to the movies one additional time per year." The Boss continues, "And let's face it: recreation is important when one has a stressful job." Dilbert waves his arms and says sarcastically, "Hey, why don't you downsize Wally instead. You'll save enough in office supplies to buy popcorn too. Sheesh!" The Boss thinks, "Mmm . . ." Wally asks Dilbert, "How'd it go?" Dilbert says, "You know that team-building exercise we did last week? It didn't take."