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Carol: Dilbert should be here soon to fill in for the babysitter. Your dad and I need to leave now. Just let him in. We turned off our phones, so don't try to reach us on our date night. Narrator: Two hours later. Boy: I don't think he's coming. Girl: I say we Airbnb this place.
Asok: Now that I have tasted the sweet freedom of being an Uber driver, how can I go back to this life? Wally: Try looking deep within yourself, Asok. Asok: You are even wiser than usual. Wally: You'll need a flashlight and yoga lessons.
CEO: I don't think my motivational messages are getting through to the employees. I can't make them pay attention to anything. Catbert: Have you tried not being boring? CEO: Good idea. I'll make fifty slides of pure excitement.
Asok: I demand a ten-million-dollar raise! Boss: Nice try! Every idiot knows that's your opening offer to set an anchor. Asok: I will settle for half of it. Boss: You'll take 30 percent of that, and not a penny more!
Boss: Why are our competitors beating us on the benchmark speed tests? Do they have better engineers? Dilbert: No, they have better management. Their management probably got them the budget they needed to do the job right. I"m guessing they were helpful, instead of being useless, blamecasting time-wasters. I hear you can do a lot when you have good management. I'll probably try to get a job with a competitor. They sound great. It is also possible they lied about their benchmark results. Boss: You should have said that first!
Man: You didn't answer my email. Dilbert: I don't read long email messages. Long emails are a sign of a disorganized mind. I try to avoid contact with that sort of person. Man: And yet, here I am. Dilbert: I didn't say it works every time.
Dilbert: I have too much work, and it's stressing me out. Boss: I've been reading about this sort of situation. Try writing don all the things that make you feel grateful. Dilbert: That would be more work! Boss: For your anger issues, try keeping a journal of all the times you lose your temper. Dilbert: That would be more work! Has anyone ever taken your advice? Boss: Do you know the guy in Marketing with the eye patch? Dilbert: He followed your advice? Boss: Half of it.
Asok: I'm overworked because I don't know how to set priorities. Alice: Try ranking your tasks by how much you hate the people who asked for your help. Asok: What if I don't hate anyone? Alice: That problem solves itself over time.
Asok: Do you have a philosophy for life? Wally: I try to make the world a better place. Have you heard the phrase, "Pay it forward?" Asok: Yes. Wally: I'm the end of the line for that sequence of events. It saves the rest of you a lot of work.