Director Human Resources Comic Strips - Page 44
487 Results for Director Human Resources
View 431 - 440 results for director human resources comic strips. Discover the best "Director Human Resources" comics from Dilbert.com.
Share July 04, 2010's comic on:
Man says, "Wally, can you respond to this RFQ by tomorrow?" Wally says, "That depends." Wally says, "I take a disciplined approach to allocation my limited resources." Wally says, "First, I'll need to evaluate all of the alternative uses for my time." Wally says, "If doing this RFQ thing comes out on top, then yes, I can do it." Man says, "When do you think you will know that?" Wally says, "Maybe next week. Unless something comes up." Man says, "So... you're useless." Wally says, "I don't see you getting much done right now either." Wally says, "Did you know that being disciplined is almost the same as being useless?" Dilbert says, "Yoda? Is that you?"
Share December 01, 2007's comic on:
The boss: "Never tell anyone we don't have enough resources to do a project. It makes us look lame." "Instead, say we have a fixed capacity that is already dedicated to higher priorities. That makes whoever asked us for help look lame." Wally: "Can I keep telling people I donated all of my blood to hurricane victims?"
Share April 23, 2006's comic on:
Your management performance has been abysmal. I'm afraid I have to minimize you. "Minimize? Is that like downsize?" "Downsizing is only for non-managers." "Abysmal managers get minimized. Follow me." "Your new office is the size of a refrigerator crisper." "You will have no direct reports and your job title will be 'Director of Unnecessary and Special Projects.'" "Can I ever be maximized?" "Maybe if some other manager jumps off the roof." "You're right - the view up here is spectacular!"
Share July 30, 2006's comic on:
"Did you fund the infrastructure project yet?" "Nope." "I'm playing budget chicken with the director of operations." "I'm hoping that his department needs the infrastructure more than we do." "If I can bluff him into funding the project with his budget instead of mine, I win." "He'll be reprimanded for exceeding his budget and I'll get a bonus for being under mine." "I'll use the bonus to buy a summer cabin by the lake." "Then I'll e-mail him pictures of my cabin and say, 'I hope you're enjoying your infrastructure as much as I'm enjoying my cabin!'" "You've reached a new low." "I've been thinking of firing you so I can get a fishing hat."
Share November 06, 2005's comic on:
"GAAA!!! I'm changing!!!" "Suddenly I see you not as a quirky coworker, but as a colossal waste of resources!" "Do you think you matter? No, you do not. I matter." "I invented this table!" "I'd better call someone." "It's an emergency. Send the executive recruiter." "What's your status?!!" "Is it leadership or just regular crazy?" "Too soon to tell." "Hey! Leave my wallet alone!" "He's one of ours."
Share March 21, 2004's comic on:
"Our director of marketing will give us an update." "We spent our entire marketing budget buying a racehorse." "We named the horse after our flagship product because they're both fast, get it?" "Unfortunately we didn't have enough budget for a top thoroughbred." "Our horse broke its leg walking to the starting gate, so we shot it." "Next year we plan to sponsor a sailboat." "Anyway, your lunch today is brought to you by the marketing department." "Enjoy." "Hey, my roast beef sandwich has a piece of lead in it."
Share April 18, 2004's comic on:
Dogbert: "I'm going into the extreme makeover business." "I'm planning to take it to the next level." "You'd look good with antlers." "And the nose has to go." Man: "Go?" "Your tiny ears are out of proportion." "These are ears." "I'll also rearrange your fat so you can't see it." "I'll toss in a few extras after you're unconscious, no charge." "Guess how old I am."
Share April 13, 2003's comic on:
Dilbert: Im taking my business case too some venture capitalists. Im hoping that their wisdom and resources will make it a billion dollar company. Dilbert: Would you like some free stock? Dogbert: BAH! Dilbert: What would I do without the support of my loved one? CEO: What would the cash flow look like if.... ....Revenue was zero, microsoft and IBM entered the market , your factory burned down and a piano fell on your head? And what about civil unrest, lawsuits, natural disasters and locusts? Dilbert: ...Then the little one slapped me. Dogbert: Now RE_E_EL them in.
Share September 07, 2003's comic on:
Man: You never responded to my urgent request for engineering resources. The Boss: "What?" Man: "I told Alice to ask you!" The Boss: "She must have forgotten." Alice: "I sent you three e-mail messages." The Boss: "You know I don't have time to read my e-mail." Alice: "And I sent you a voicemail." The Boss: "You know I don't have time for voice-mails." Alice: "That's why I also.." "Tatooed it on your stinkin' chest!!!" The Boss: "As if I have time to read my torso."
Share August 06, 2000's comic on:
Catbert the Evil HR Director says to the staff, "Video cameras have been installed in all work areas." Catbert holds up a badge and says, "Employees must wear I.D. badges around their neck." Catbert continues, "Your internet and telephone usage will be monitored." Catbert continues, "Everyone will undergo mandatory drug testing." Catbert thinks to himself, "They're not resisting. They're ready for phase two." Catbert says, "Prepare to be permanently marked by hot ironos." The Boss asks Catbert, "Will that hurt?" Catbert answers, "I'll be fine. Thanks for asking." Everyone holds Wally down on the table as Catbert announces, "Wally is about to experience brand awareness."