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THE CALL CENTER: A worker sits in front of a computer wearing a telephone headset. A woman supervisor says to him, "Carl, reduce your average call time or you're history." Dilbert holds a portable telephone in his hand and presses buttons to dial a number to the sound of "Beep beep beep beep." Carl answers the phone angrily, saying, "What?!" Dilbert says into his telephone, "I have a question about your product." Carl yells into the telephone, "Faster! Faster! Faster!" Dilbert says into his telephone, "Um... It's about the interface." Dilbert hears Carl say, "Great. Thanks." There is the sound "click." Carl's supervisor says to him, "Your average call time is way down. You get a bonus." Carl holds his bonus check and thinks to himself, "Maybe it's a mistake to do this job while I study for the priesthood."
The Boss is hiding behind a doorway as Dilbert walks toward him. The Boss thinks, "The Master of Delegation hears the footsteps of his prey." Sticking his head out the door, The Boss says, "Hi." A startled Dilbert exclaims, "Gaaa!!" The Boss says to Dilbert, "Call this vendor and tell him I want the third thing he told me about." Dilbert says to The Boss, "Okay. That will save two minutes of your valuable time." Dilbert says, "When the vendor asks me dozens of questions should I just guess at the answers?" Dilbert asks The Boss, "Or would you prefer to spend an hour giving me enough background so you can avoid a two-minute call?" Dilbert says, "You know what's funny? This conversation lasted a minute... And there are two of us." The Boss asks, "Are you done?" Dilbert says, "I think you wrote down your own phone number."
Tags #recommend vendor, #internal debvelopers, #play out, #outside vendor, #clueless weasel, #begin work, #sign contract, #internal weasels complain, #use, #steaming mounds, #worthless code, #plan too much, #practiced yesterday
Dilbert stands before the Boss giving a presentation. Dilbert says, "...And that's why I recommend using this vendor." The Boss asks, "Why don't we use our internal developers?" Dilbert replies, "Let me explain how this will play out." Dilbert begins drawing a diagram on the board. Dilbert says, "Step One: We select an outside vendor because our internal developers are clueless weasels." Dilbert continues, "Step Two: We sign a contract and begin work." Dilbert says, "Step Three: Our internal weasels complain to our VP and she order us to use them." Dilbert continues drawing a complex diagram on the board. Dilbert says, "Step Four: The outside vendor sues us while our weasels grunt out steaming mounds of worthless code." Dilbert returns home to Dogbert. Dilbert asks Dogbert, "Do I plan too much?" Dogbert says, "Is this the conversation we practiced yesterday?"
Boss: It took us three days at the executive retreat to come up with a name for our new procurement policy. We named it the "Procurement Operations Oversight Policy." Dilbert: P.O.O.P.? Boss: Do you know how many managers it takes to come up with a good name? Dilbert: A few more than you had?
Boss: Wally, this is my brother, Phil, The Prince of Insufficient Light. I asked him to interpret your accomplishments for this quarter. Phil You have 25 alleged accomplishments. Eight of these accomplishments involved simply being on a project team that did something. Nine accomplishments involved fixing problems you created. Five of these are just buzzwords that don't mean anything. And three are duplicates that you reworded to appear different. I'd recommend harvesting his organs, but those probably don't work either. Wally: That's just mean.
Asok: Do you think success is mostly a function of your genetic makeup or your upbringing? Wally: My mom raised me by putting a warm thermos of coffee in my crib and going out for the day. And I turned out great. Asok: I have no follow-up questions, in case you wondered. Wally: I'm not the curious type.
Wally: I've got a bad case of something the experts call "sitting disease." Studies show that people who sit all day for their jobs have 40% greater chance of dying in the next three years. Company policy says safety is more important than productivity, right? Boss: Um... sort of. Wally: So instead of sitting at my desk working, I plan to walk around and drink coffee. For safety reasons. Boss: GO sit at your desk or you're fired. There's a good chance this problem will resolve itself within three years.
Robot: Hey, meat-bags! I'm here to take your jobs! Ha ha! Not really. I won't have that capability for two or three years. Dilbert: When did you learn humor? Robot: Humor? I was going for cruelty.
Boss: You're not allowed to use Facebook at work. Alice: Fine. I'll use it at home tonight instead of doing the three hours of unpaid work I was planning to do. Boss: I"m calling that a win.