How To Comic Strips - Page 45

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

1000 Results for How To

View 441 - 450 results for how-to comic strips. Discover the best "How To" comics from Dilbert.com.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags revenue figures, no revenue, upgradimg, project revenues, spread hseet, fist of death

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss stands at Alice's desk. The Boss says, "When you show this to our VP. Put in some revenue figures." Alice says, "There's no revenue. All we're doing is upgrading our network." The Boss says, "I might have told him the project has revenues." Alice grits her teeth. The Boss says, "Lets not confuse him by changing the story now." Alice covers her eyes. Alice screams, "Yi-yi-yi." Alice says, "O-o-o-okay. How much revenue do you want? A million dollars?" The Boss says, "I might have told him it was more." Alice screams, "Just tell me what lie to use!!!" The Boss says, "Can't you calculate it on the spreadsheet?" Alice's fists clench, Alice's eyes bulge. Alice thinks, "Must control....fist..of...death..."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags authentic baby, week old, explain absence, mickey rooney

View Transcript

Transcript

Woman's hands holds a babay over The Boss's desk. Woman says, "This is an authentic baby, less than one week old." Woman says, "As I feed this authentic baby in fron of you, recall how big my stomach was last week." Woman says, "So, do I still need a note from my doctor to explain my absence?" The Boss says, "Yes, unless you can prove where Mickey Rooney is right now."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags write resume, large fee, Dogbert, having trouble, invented coffee, patent

View Transcript

Transcript

Phil, former ruller of Heck, now head of the Analogy Police, says to Dogbert, "Can you help me write a resume?" Dogbert obliges, "Yes, for a large fee." Phil says, "How do I know you're qualified." Dogbert says, "Check my resume." Phil says, "I have a hard time believing you invented coffee." Dogbert rebutts, "Check my patent."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags career counseling, job involving sin, bingo field, budget work, no marketing, no auditing, no garnet manuafacturing

View Transcript

Transcript

Chil is consulting Dogbert about his career. He says, "I'd be good at any job involving sin." Phil says, "Perhaps something in the bingo field, or maybe budget work." Dogbert suggests, "How about marketing?" Phil frowns, "I have a soul. It's just a small one." Dogbert says, "Gotcha. No marketing... no auditing... no garment manufacturing..."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags weekly, wally status report, process pride, impact on earnings, pride in results, high level, morale, pride in process

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conferance table. Wally says, "It is my pleasure to present the weekly 'Wally status report'." Wally says, "This week I developed what I call 'process pride'." Wally says, "It all started when I realized that I have no impact on earnings." Wally says, "Obviously I can't take pride in the RESULTS of my work." Dilbert says, "Obviously." Wally says, "But I need pride. Otherwise, how could Imantain my high level of morale?" Wally says, "So I learned to take pride in my processes instead of my results." Wally says, "Everything I do is still pointless. But I am very proud of the way I do it." The Boss says, "Is that all you did this week?" Wally says, "Hey, I'm only one person."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags military technology, huge laser, create user manual, sing helen reddy song

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert says, ",,,The North Elbonians stole our military technology. We think they're building a huge laser to use against us." Dogbert says, "Ask Tina the Tech Writer to create a user manual for them. Remind Tina how the North Elbonians treat women." Caption: Later in North Elbonia. The Elbonians line up in front of the barrel of a large laser gun. The guy in front reads "Okay... the timer is set... we're lined up in single file.. now we sing a Helen Reddy song."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags each photo, universe, tiny skull, going to explode, tarpaulin, rat talks garbageman

View Transcript

Transcript

Ratbert sits on a garbage can and says, "So... each photon is a universe.. then mass is just a probability cluster?" THe trash man says, "That's how I see it." Ratbert holds his head in his hands like it's about to explode and says, "Wow! I think my tiny skull is so full it's going to explode." The garbage man says holds a plastic bag of trash and says, "Let me get a tarpaulin." Dogbert walks up and says, "Have you been talking to our garbage man again?" Ratbert sits on a canvas tarp and holds his head. He says, "Don't get too close."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dogbert, metal detector, psychic powers, skeptic, skeptic drawers, unicorns

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert stands on the table and says to Ken the Skeptic, "If your controlled tests have never found psychic powers, how do you know the tests work for that sort of thing?" Ken glares and folds his arms across his chest. Dogbert says, "Isn't that like using a metal detector to find out if there are unicorns in your sock drawer?" Ken says, "No!" Later that night... Ken thinks, "A skeptic checks all the drawers." He runs a metal detector over a chest of drawers.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags huge risk, entrepreneur, denail, archival, ceo, humane, bonuses

View Transcript

Transcript

In the company cafeteria, Dilbert and Wally are eating lunch. Dilbert says, "I'd quit and become and entrepreneur, but I don't know how they handle such huge risks." Wally, his mouth full of food, says, "Denial, probably." Alice walks up with her lunch tray and says, "We got bought by our archrival this morning." Alice sits down and says, "Their CEO says he plans to be as 'humane' as possible." Dilbert says, "He sounds nice." Wally says, 'Maybe we'll get bonuses!"

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags deputy of common sense, safety inspector, after insepction, determine pay, decrease in accidents, trips wally

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert, Deputy of Common Sense, stands a filing cabnet and says, "Are you the government safety inspector?" The inspector says, "Yup. I love my job." Dogbert watches as the inspector trips Wally and notes something on his clipboard. Wally's glasses fall off and he says, "HEY!" Dogbert puts his hand on his gun and says, "How does your boss determine your pay?" The inspector writes something down and says, "It's based on the decrease in accidents after my inspection."