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Boss: I can't decide if I want to vote for the liar with the budget plan that doesn't add up or... the other liar with a budget plan that doesn't add up. Dogbert: Have you tried using your ignorance to figure out which one is lying the least? Boss: Ooh, that could work.
Dilbert: Do you have any long-term goals? Wally: Just death. Dilbert: Death isn't a goal. Wally: It's the best kind. This way, I can go out as a winner. With my last breath, I plan to do a fist pump and yell, "I did it!" What's your long-term plan? Dilbert: I plan to use brain imaging technology to map my mind. Then I'll create a digital copy of myself to live forever in a software simulation. Unless I already did. Wally: Give yourself a fist pump, just in case.
Boss: Our plan is to use design psychology to make our apps more addictive. Ideally, we want to strip people of their free will and turn them into mindless upgrading zombies. Dilbert: I'd feel better if we called that "marketing." Boss: I need you to be more mindless, too.
Dilbert: It took me six months to get a reservation here. I hear the food is amazing. Woman: It sounds fantastic. It's too bad I'm on a cucumber diet. I can only eat cucumbers after five o'clock. Dilbert: Well, it seems you have squandered my invitation to fine dining. Now my plan of sharing a culinary adventure is just a sad commentary on the casual rudeness of life. Can I expect you to complain about the quality of your cucumber and send it back? Waiter: We don't have cucumbers.
Boss: We need to cut our budget. Go to all of our vendors and tell them to reduce their prices. Dilbert: Why would they do that for us? Boss: Tell them we'll buy from someone else unless they do. Dilbert: That's what we told them to get the prices we have now. I'm an engineer, not a professional negotiator. Your plan has failure designed into it. Your poor leadership already has me on the edge of madness. This could push me over the edge. Boss: And I need it done by Tuesday.
Tine: I hear you have some vacation days coming. Planning anything big? Dilbert: I plan to catch up on all the work I couldn't get done here because people keep interrupting me. Tina: That's a sad vacation. Dilbert: Then why am I craving it right now?
Dilbert: Nothing in this dimension is real. Asok: Double-click on that. Dilbert: The jargon matrix is where people imagine they are being useful. But in reality, they are sitting in a chair doing nothing. Asok: I just made a ten-year technology plan.
Tina; Are you going to the department meeting? Dilbert: Yes, as soon as I plan my route. I have seven co-workers who I need to avoid on the way. Three are nonstop talkers. The other four ask me for something every time I see them. I've mapped their likely locations and I'm working out an avoidance path. Yes, I think I can do it. Tina: Is that my name on your list of employees to avoid? Dilbert: I didn't say it was a perfect system.